Last night I went to Jennifer Aniston’s wedding.
What? You didn’t know she got married? I don’t think she knows either… because the wedding happened in my dreams.
Just to clarify, I do not usually dream about hanging out with celebrities. I usually dream about realistic things like dancing gorillas in bikinis who take me for pedicures.
But last night, for some reason, I was in Dayton, Ohio for Jen’s wedding. The Dayton part actually makes sense to me, because I just got back from the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop in Dayton and I remember thinking at the time, “Gee, this would be a great place for Jennifer Aniston to get married.”
Accompanying me to the wedding were my blogger friends Wendi Aarons, Marinka, Liz McGuire and Ann Imig. This also made sense to me because they were all at the conference with me in Dayton and I remember thinking at the time, “Gee, it would be really fun to go to Jennifer Aniston’s wedding with all these ladies.”
But now, this is where things got a little nutty.
Apparently Jen asked all her guests to wear white. I wore a sexy white dress which, as it turned out, was the same dress Jen was wearing to her wedding. Since it was her second time at the alter, she had decided to forego the traditional long gown in favor of something short and sexy which showed off her great legs. Naturally, I had the same thought in mind when picking out my dress, although admittedly, it did look slightly better on her than it did on me. Nevertheless, when my blog posse and I arrived at the wedding, Chelsea Handler came dashing across the room and reamed me not only for wearing the same dress as Jen, but also for stealing Brad Pitt. (Hey this is my dream. If I want to think I’m Angelina Jolie, that’s my prerogative).
I told Chelsea that Jen and I had gotten past all that and I really needed to go find my seat before I had to get back to Brad and the six kids in France.
As I stopped a waiter to get some andouille sausage hors d’oevres, W. Bruce Cameron, the author of the books “A Dog’s Purpose” and “Emory’s Gift”, arrived with his date, Nicky Minaj (who was NOT wearing white, I might add) and a giant grizzly bear on a leash. This also kind of made sense because Emory’s Gift is about a bear and Bruce had been at the Erma Conference with me. I really have no idea what Nicky was doing in my dream though because she is not friends with Jen, she was not at the conference, and I didn’t think much of her performance at the Grammy’s.
Apparently Bruce was supposed to give Jen away at the altar and Nicky was supposed to perform the wedding march, but I still didn’t know what the bear was there for. Before I had a chance to ask him, though, he reamed me for wearing the same dress as Jennifer Aniston and then stormed off.
Meanwhile my blog posse had holed up with Jen in the bridal suite and they were trying to convince her to skip the wedding and start a blog instead. They told her she could make some really good cash from Google Ad Sense and that blogging would be much more fulfilling than any part of married life.
As I banged on the door to the suite to let her know that if she didn’t come out soon and go through with the wedding, I was going to run off with Justin Theroux or possibly Bruce Cameron, or maybe even the bear, I heard a siren go off in the distance. At first I thought it was a police siren and the fashion police were coming to arrest me for trying to steal Jen’s thunder on her wedding day, and also, quite possibly, her fiancee and bear, but then I realized it was the alarm on my clock radio and I woke up.
Shaking off the remnants of this crazy dream, I realized three things:
1. I need to stop reading Perez Hilton before I go to bed.
2. I shouldn’t eat andouille sausage before I go to bed.
3. I should probably check with Jennifer Aniston to make sure we don’t end up wearing the same dress to her wedding.
©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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