I cannot believe I succumbed to the lure of the “as seen on TV” product again, and laughably so did Sir, but to a different product from the one which caught my eye.

I decided I couldn’t live another minute without a new kind of sharp knife, figuring that the six I already have can’t possibly slice a tomato without such precision and flare as this brilliantly improved version. The fact that my need to slice tomatoes is about on par with my desire to chow down on a huge bowl of unsweetened porridge is quite beside the point.

Sir’s acquisitive eye was caught by a stick-’em-up, battery operated, motion sensor LED light which he thought would be perfect for the back deck, ignoring the fact that the light switch for the area resides approximately three inches from the back door. I realized that this handy-dandy little gizmo would be good by the door to the garage too, ditto reference to light switch notwithstanding.

Girding my telephonic loins, I thence proceeded to fail to bring to mind previous mind numbing purchasing occasions such as this, and called the appropriate numbers.

The first call took 17 minutes, the following took 16 - I guess I did learn a minute lesson, if you will pardon the pun, for the second call. I got through most of the original part of each ordeal fairly unscathed, but got rattier and rattier as it was obvious the computer was not going to let me get away with buying one of anything.

I was offered startling bargains for ever increasing numbers or combinations of products; I was exhorted to take advantage of a life changing event by accepting a $10 discount (tempting) if I would accept membership to some sort of discount club costing a mere (insert dollar amount here) per month (definitely not tempting).

I was told in both shopping experiences that my orders would ship in three to six weeks, with a week or two beforehand being taken up with the time it would take the apparently slothful warehouse workers to summon up the energy to get my orders off the shelf and boxed up. But if I wanted to fork over an additional $9.99 in each instance, my goodies would miraculously come to me in three days. Amazing how 10 bucks will change a sloth into a cheetah, isn’t it?

But my undoing – well our undoing – came after these protracted minutes when I had to spell – slowly, one letter at a time (how else do you spell, I ask you?) my email address for shipping confirmation reasons.

Well, I just lost it at that point – I tried several times only to find myself dissolved in helpless giggles as Sir sat weeping with laughter in his chair. So I’ll lay odds on that I won’t be receiving an email after all that.

"Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them.” A quote I must keep in mind for future reference.

Annie Dear lives in Lee’s Summit. Email her at anniedearkc@hotmail.com.