I'm a grown up now. I know monsters don't live under the bed. They've actually moved into the closet and are playing havoc with the bathroom mirrors.

A mask would definitely come in handy for Halloween since the hair growing out of my nose has become the strength of dental floss and are steadily becoming gray and twisted. I've also decided the boogie man is replacing my clothes with smaller sizes or there's a goblin playing tricks on me. I thought at this age I was supposed to be shrinking, not expanding.

Several of the light bulbs in the bathroom have burned out and I suggested we don't change them for new ones. Since he knows all about electricity, and wants to replace them with some fancy light bulbs, it's going to become even brighter. The whole concept of being able to see in the bathroom mirror is grossly overrated. The less I can see, the less I have to think about the body parts that are falling, drooping or growing hair. I'm blaming it all on the monster who pushed my body over the hill, while my mind screams to backpedal as fast as possible.

Typically it's hard to distract me from reading a good book but lately I've been catching myself looking at these pair of wrinkled hands that are holding the Kindle that has been programmed to the largest print available. Apparently no amount of lotion is going to stop this aging process. These aren't the hands I remember being connected to my arms. Not only are they wrinkled but they're quickly loading up with brown age spots, which match the ones on my face, so at least I'm consistent.

Another birthday is creeping up and as much as I want to say I don't care about getting older, I'm really not that keen on the aches and pains that go along with it. Even something as simple as carrying the grandkids around is throwing my hip out of place. Jumping, skipping or running is no longer an option unless I can use the restroom before, during and after. If that's not scary, I don't know what is.

I'm being haunted all right, by creepy stuff that's been happening since going over the hill. The gray hair is coming in sooner than my hair appointments to cover them up. The words "huh and what did you say" are becoming a staple in my vocabulary and I've considered buying a magnifying glass as my readers aren't quite doing the trick anymore.

Trick or treat you say? The real trick is knowing where the bran cereal is so you can enjoy the treats.

This year's Halloween costume will be effortless. I'm going as a middle aged, menopausal, mad woman a.k.a. the monster under the bed.

Sandy Turner lives in Independence. Email her at sandydownhome@hotmail.com