The silliness runs rampant in Denise Swank’s household.
Swank’s four youngest children – Julia, 11; Jenna, 6; Ryan, 3; and Emma, 20 months – play around upstairs, laughing and dancing. They sing songs off of one of their favorite TV shows, “Yo Gabba Gabba.” They chase their two small dogs, Fifi, a Yorkshire terrier, and Bella, a Maltese. Jenna models a new purse that she received for her 6th birthday.
“You guys are so silly,” Denise says with a smile toward her children.
“Mommy’s silly, too!” Julia says giggling.
“Well, life’s too short not to be silly,” the girls’ mother replies.
But three years ago, the Swank household held more tears than it did laughter. On March 7, 2006, one man’s heart stopped beating, and his widow’s heart was left broken. Two little girls lost their daddy.
In the years since, Denise has moved her family back to her home state, adopted two more children and grown her household. Life is too short and precious, she says, and she lives for the moment rather than the future.
‘An incredible example of humanity at its best’: The life of a stay-at-home mother
With three younger brothers, Denise Swank says she always knew that she wanted children of her own, though she never knew how many. Early in her adult life, she was career-oriented as a histologist, preparing microscopic slides and stains with tissues that pathologists examine. Today, all six of her children still live in Swank’s northern Lee’s Summit home, including her two oldest sons, Trace, 21, and Ross, 18.
She spends her days running errands with the two toddlers before picking up Jenna and Julia from school. Though she only gets about six hours of sleep each night, the best part of motherhood is the love, hugs and kisses that Denise gives and receives, she says.
“Now that I’m a stay-at-home mom, it’s the greatest job in the world to be here for them,” Denise says. “I think when I was younger, I never would have guessed that I’d have six kids. I think I would have been surprised by that, but now I look at my life, and I’m just so thankful for what I have. I consider the kids a tremendous gift.”
Three of Denise’s children are biological, while her three youngest are adopted. Ryan, the latest addition to the Swank family, was left at the gates of a Chinese orphanage when he was 1 month old. He lived in an orphanage and with a foster family for the first 2 1/2 years of his life before Denise received his referral.
Lori Baerg, Denise’s neighbor in northern Lee’s Summit, calls Denise “an incredible example of humanity at its best.” Shortly after Denise moved to Lee’s Summit in the fall of 2008, Baerg asked her family to participate in a TV show pilot for “The Power of KC” as part of Baerg’s interactive video production agency.
“To me, the power of KC is the power of people and the things they do,” Baerg says. “Denise to me is amazing for so many reasons. She has overcome so many hard things with a smile on her face. She has given so much love to people who may not even be here had she not adopted them.”
Born Denise Grover on May 25, 1964, Denise grew up in Independence and graduated from Blue Springs High School in 1982. She attended church at an early age and relied on God through the power of prayer. Carolyn Grover, Denise’s mother, says Denise developed a strong relationship with her maternal grandparents at an early age. Her first experiences with death came early in life after Carolyn’s mother and father died before Denise graduated high school.
“I think those two fates brought her close to God,” Carolyn says. “In high school, you could tell there was faith deep inside of her and that it wasn’t just talk. She cares about you, and she puts herself aside. I don’t think she’d be where she is today if she didn’t have that faith. It’s a strong, real one – it’s not fake.”
Denise’s faith received its strongest test in 2006 as her best friend – her husband – suffered extensive injuries in a one-person airplane crash and clung to life for five weeks before dying.
___
‘Something that I was called to do’: Falling in love and building a family
At 19, Denise moved to Joplin, Mo., by herself, and worked at St. John’s Regional Medical Center for 13 years. She married and had two sons, Trace and Ross Dixon. She divorced at age 31. Simultaneously, Denise’s good friend and co-worker of four years, Dr. Darrell Swank, also was experiencing a divorce. The pair supported each other in a “misery loves company” fashion, Denise says, and soon began dating. On March 17, 1996, they married, and their one biological child, Julia, was born in June 1997.
Despite Darrell’s vasectomy, Denise thought she might be pregnant again. It was a false alarm, but Denise didn’t care. She wanted another baby. Darrell offered to have a vasectomy reversal – his second – but Denise didn’t want her husband to be in pain again.
At age 4, Julia was in ballet class with two little girls who were adopted from China. Denise asked the girls’ adoptive mother questions and checked out her adoption agency online.
“That was the first time I’d ever heard of that,” Denise says. “I didn’t even know you could adopt from China. I felt this yearning for another child so much. I would just pray to God to please take it away because it was insanity, and I knew that.”
That particular adoption agency charged $25,000 per adoption. Darrell told Denise, “We cannot afford it, but I’ll pray about it.” He would later meet family after family who had adopted children internationally. Adoption was always in his mind, and he couldn’t let it go. Darrell told Denise that his prayers would continue. In early 2003, Darrell approached Denise about adopting a child. He asked her to start researching adoption agencies.
“Yippee!” Denise says with a laugh, recalling her response. “I always worried that he was just doing it for me because he knew how much I wanted another child. But, I had a dream that I found out I was pregnant, and I was really disappointed in my dream because I told myself, ‘Well, now we can’t adopt from China.’ I wasn’t just settling. It was something that I was called to do.”
But then the couple’s paperwork got caught in the bureaucratic process. Denise felt discouraged and wondered, “Are we really supposed to be doing this?” Darrell told his wife that they were meant to adopt and that they should stick with the process.
“I was really glad that hang up happened because I was worried he was always doing it because he thought I wanted to do it,” Denise says. “I knew he really wanted to adopt because I was ready to throw in the towel.”
The Swank family adopted Jenna from China at age 17 months in July 2004. When Jenna was first placed in Denise’s arms, “it was like she was the perfect baby for us,” Denise says.
___
‘Never felt so alone’: Darrell’s death
While the couple dated, Darrell, nine years Denise’s senior, earned his pilot’s license and bought an airplane after their marriage. He often flew the airplane to visit his daughters from his first marriage, Christy and Jamie, who still lived in Missouri. The Swanks moved around often to states like Arkansas and Tennessee because of Darrell’s job.
“He loved to fly. He had to use his intellect,” Denise says of her husband, who earned a doctor of medicine degree and Ph.D. in biochemistry from the University of North Dakota.
Afraid of heights, Denise tossed aside her fears and flew with Darrell. But her fears weren’t completely absent.
“I would want him to fly low,” Denise says with a laugh. “He said, ‘No. We’re safe higher. The higher we are, the safer we are.’ It was a hard concept for me to grasp.”
The Swanks relocated in May 2005 to Tennessee, where Darrell had found his dream job in a national reference lab. In October 2005, Darrell took his airplane out after some repairs. He flew for 10 minutes, turned around and went back home. Something still wasn’t right.
On Jan. 29, 2006, the Swank family returned to Tennessee after a trip in Florida. Darrell decided to try flying his plane again after further repairs. Jenna, then 2, begged her father to take her in the plane with him, but the family decided it would be a solo trip.
While hosting a party in her living room, Denise received a phone call. A man named Tony Thompson was on the other line. Darrell had crashed his plane in Murfreesboro, Tenn., but he was fine. Thompson told Denise that her husband had broken his ankle and was busy talking to people.
Denise searched online for directions to the hospital, and Thompson called back. Darrell was still OK, he said, but he was being taken by LifeFlight to Vanderbilt Hospital because of some burns. Thompson later told Denise that it took Darrell three or four tries to remember his telephone number. He had sustained burns on 60 percent of his body.
He lived for five weeks. Doctors placed him in a drug-induced coma for two weeks, and he was on a ventilator for the rest of his life. He never spoke to Denise, but once, as 8-year-old Julia stood in the doorway of the intensive care unit yelling, “I love you, Daddy,” he mouthed the words, “I love you, Julia.”
“I truly believed,” Denise says of the hope she had. “Even in his worst times, I would be scared, but I thought God’s going to heal him, and it’s going to be to His glory.”
About two or three weeks in, the doctors told Denise that they thought Darrell would make it – he was “past the crisis of dying” and was at a point where he could begin healing. But then an infection overtook Darrell’s body.
During one surgery, the surgeon asked Denise if Darrell was right or left handed.
Right.
“We might have to amputate some of the fingers on his left hand,” the surgeon replied.
Darrell was a gifted and accomplished pianist. Denise pleaded with the surgeon to save his fingers because he would be devastated if he could no longer play.
Four weeks in, the fingers were in bad shape. As her husband’s medical proxy, Denise signed the permit to have his fingers amputated. She took pictures first. When he awoke, she wanted to prove how she had fought for his fingers.
But after the surgery came good news: The doctors had saved his fingers. Denise was filled with hope that Darrell’s life would be saved.
Then the multisystem organ failure happened. Five weeks in, on a Monday, Darrell was in renal failure. She was picking up a prescription at the pharmacy when her phone rang.
“It’s looking really bad. I’m not going to lie to you,” the doctor said.
Denise tried to keep her faith and optimism, but she also kept reality close by. The last hour of Darrell’s life, Denise asked if the doctors could remove the splints on his hands. Denise held his hand.
Dr. Darrell Swank, 50, died at 3:07 p.m. March 7, 2006. His heart stopped, and Denise’s heart was left broken.
–––
In the first six months following his death, Denise was barely functioning – she held on for her children, she says. She would think of something to tell Darrell, but then she realized she couldn’t pick up the phone to call him.
Sigh.
“It’s strange because you feel numb, but yet at the same time you hurt so much it’s hard to describe that you can feel both ways at the same time,” Denise says. “I remember the first week or two, I would constantly sigh. I wouldn’t cry so much that first week or two because I think I was still in shock. I have never felt so alone in all my life.”
___
‘God still had a purpose for me’: Rebuilding an identity
Denise felt pain and betrayal in the months after Darrell’s death. She and the children talked about him all of the time, though, to the point that it made others uncomfortable. They wanted to celebrate the life of the man they loved.
“I had wondered why I was still here. I thought my life was over,” Denise says. “But I realized that God still had a purpose for me, and that purpose was just as important as it was before Darrell died. It just changed. I have a heart now for people who are hurting and going through loss. I can relate to what they’re going through and try to offer them comfort.”
Six months after his death, Denise felt God told her, “Enough.”
Always faith-oriented, Denise started praying and reading the Bible again. She also started writing a book about Darrell’s accident, her death and how God provided her with Bible verses to sustain her. The book, which Denise hopes to finish within the next year, will include flashbacks to memories that the couple shared in their marriage.
“When you lose your husband, you not only lose your best friend but you also lose your identity,” Denise says. “I was Darrell’s wife, and I was no longer that. I was no longer married, and I had planned on being married for the rest of my life. You try to figure out who you are now.”
Denise continued to build her family after Darrell’s death. She adopted Emma from Vietnam in October 2007. Six months later, she received Ryan’s referral and adopted him from China. She chronicles the daily life of parenting six children on her blog, There’s Always Room for One More (www.theresalwaysroomforonemore.com).
Carolyn Grover says her daughter provided a home for Ryan and Emma that they wouldn’t have had otherwise. Always humble, Carolyn says, Denise posts humorous blogs about her daily life and full household.
In her March 24 entry, “Game On,” Denise writes a humorous letter to Emma about the experiences the two have shared in Emma’s short life of 20 months. Denise lived in Vietnam for a month while waiting to receive Emma. She then waited an additional three weeks, worried that Emma wouldn’t receive a visa. Ten days later, the little girl was hospitalized with respiratory syncytial virus and was placed on a ventilator.
After Emma awoke from a nap on March 24, Denise cuddled her daughter. The toddler then wet herself on her mother’s lap. Denise posted a photograph of her wet jeans online and playfully signed the letter, “Pay back, baby. All’s fair in love and war and taking away your bottle was a declaration of war. Game on. Love, Mommy.”
“I could have really been lost in depression,” Swank says. “I think the thing to focus on is that a lot of young widows that I’ve met online are just kind of stuck in their pain and their sorrow. Of course, you’ve got to live through that, but you’re still here. My kids are still here, and we’re here for a purpose. It’s not to sit around and be sad and feel sorry for ourselves. We’ve got to move on and do whatever it is God wants us to do.”
The Swanks live financially through investments made with Darrell’s life insurance – as of late, some of the investments have experienced cuts because of the economic recession, Denise says. The family has discussed Denise working again, and she prefers to stay at home until Emma starts kindergarten. So, they’ve made cuts by purchasing clothing on eBay and eating more meals at home.
Ever strong, Denise lives her life quietly and never muttered a word of pain after Darrell’s death, Carolyn says. When asked what kind of mother Denise is, Carolyn’s immediate response was brief: “Oh my gosh.”
“The two older boys already know what a mother they have, but the four younger ones are really going to know when they get older what kind of mother she is. She’d give her life for them,” Carolyn says. “If Darrell could yell down, I’m sure he’d say, ‘I’m not surprised. I knew who I married.’”
