Dad's can say the darndest things

I remember sitting in the front room watching “Kids Say the Darndest Things” with my parents, laughing at the interaction between Art Linkletter and little kids. I never understood why they thought it was so funny, because the kids, who were my age, made perfect sense to me.

It’s a good thing Dad has a sense of humor because when I laugh at the things he says, he laughs too, even though it’s not really funny to him. I can usually tell what’s been on his mind from the story of the day.

He told me recently, with a serious and concerned face, that he had seen Hitler in the grocery store and turned him into the authorities.

I listened as intently as he was telling, and asked him what Hitler was wearing that gave him away. The moustache Dad said, definitely it was the moustache.

I thought I looked pretty snazzy for work, especially the flat gold and silver slip-ons that matched my outfit. Dad usually starts our conversations by commenting on my hair and wondering when I might get a perm or something. This time he asked if I’d been out dancing. When I said no, that I’d been at work all day, he wanted to know what the other employees thought about the clown shoes I had on.

Anytime we’re around anyone besides the dog and my boyfriend, Dad insists on telling them my life story, although it doesn’t quite match up to what I think it was. Whatever grief I put him through in my teenage years is stuck in his memory banks. Just my luck — he can’t remember what he did 15 minutes ago, but he can recall the troubles I had when I was younger.

Recently he’s been sitting directly in front of the TV to change the channels instead of using the remote. When I asked him why, he said that the remote wouldn’t work, although when I tried it, it worked fine. He then changed the story to accuse the dog  of hiding it for days and wanted to know where I had found it. This is highly unlikely since his dog, that used to be my dog, has probably broken the world record for being the fattest dog on earth. Dad’s been concerned that the dog has been sick because he won’t eat his dog food. I tried to convince him that the larger than life dog doesn’t need half of everything that he eats. Dad denied it profusely and was offended that I would accuse him of feeding the dog anything but what’s in the Purina bag. Just then as we were both staring down at the dog, I noticed Oreo crumbs stuck in the fur around his mouth.Dad called today and said I needed to stop the press because he had something in his backyard that he was sure would be front page news.

 “Hitler?” I asked with a slight giggle.

“Hitler?” he said. “Have you lost your mind, that man is dead. I have hummingbirds and I’ve heard that they’re extinct.”

If he’d said the hummingbirds had moustaches, I may have headed that way with my camera.