The natural world is a strange place. Since the Earth has been around for 4.543 billion years and modern humans have only been around for 200,000 years, we haven’t had a whole lot of time to set things straight.
We’re trying, though. You don’t like cold winters? Great. We’ve pumped greenhouse gases into the atmosphere for the past few hundred years. Bam. Fixed it.
The list of other annoyances that deserve our attention is long. Let’s start with gravity. Although I appreciate this force when it comes to watching sports (how else is the ball going to go through the hoop?), I don’t appreciate it when I reach for the chips and spill my beer.
Gravity is the force that keeps us on the planet. It propels us around the sun. It makes two objects of different weights fall at the same rate (what kind of sense does that make?). Gravity also makes me curse, a lot.
But the problem with fixing gravity is we don’t know what it is.
The following is straight from NASA’s website: “We can define what it is as a field of influence, because we know how it operates in the universe. … However, if we are to be honest, we do not know what gravity ‘is’ in any fundamental way.”
And these people sent men to the moon.
If humans had been in charge of this joint for more than 200,000 years, we would have fixed gravity. Can you imagine a world without spilled beer? I can.
Another problem is the plant. Plants are terrifying. Contrary to popular belief, plants aren’t stupid. They can do math, probably better than I can.
According to an article in e-Life Journal, in 2013, researchers at the UK’s John Innes Centre discovered that plants use division to determine how much starch they should reserve in order to feed overnight (no word on whether they’re required to show their work).
“They’re actually doing maths in a simple, chemical way,” John Innes Centre Professor Alison Smith said to the BBC News. “That’s amazing. It astonished us as scientists to see that.”
It astonishes me, too. It also makes me wonder, if plants are at least as intelligent as the animals vegetarians tell us we should leave alone, what are we supposed to eat?
It’s best not to know.
Then there are June bugs. June bugs need fixed. They are as pleasant as U.S. soldiers applying “music torture” to Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega in 1989 by playing Van Halen’s “Panama” over and over.
Here is the five-part life cycle of the June bug:
1. Hatch into larvae.
2. Destroy Jason’s lawn.
3. Grow to adulthood no matter how many times I play Van Halen’s “Panama” in the backyard.
4. Die on Jason’s kitchen floor.
5. The end.
If I had any say, June bugs would undergo an application process before dying on my floor. And by “application process” I mean death by parasitic nematodes before they ever get out of my lawn.
Parasitic nematodes are an EPA-accepted method of killing these pests. Maybe this is when I should have been in charge. I would have given them a cooler name than parasitic nematodes. Something like McBugmeister Destroy-o-trons.
Maybe it’s not too late.
Jason’s newest novel, “Bad Day for the Apocalypse,” is available at jasonoffutt.com.