Maybe it’s a retaliatory thing, but I have noticed a couple of you fellas out there appear to think of us ladies with rather less enchantment than in days gone by.
Mark you, I wouldn’t blame you if you did get your boxers in a bunch or your tighty-whities in a twist over the emasculation of your gender in the past year or so, where equality seems to mean “total dominance by the female gender” according to some, so please keep your hair-shirt on and let me assure you that on the whole I think you’re actually quite a lovely bunch of people.
However there is a line in the sand one should only cross on one’s peril, not only bringing forth voluminous pink-hat waves of derision and disgust, but eliciting the odd call to the local constabulary who were thus encouraged to come and cart you in the direction of off.
First we had a chap who decided that the Planet Fitness’ slogan “Judgement Free Zone” extended rather more than I’m sure the establishment in New Hampshire desired, and so stripped down to the altogether upon his 7 a.m. arrival and proceeded to perform his yoga routine.
Now I don’t know about you, but I know there are certain fully clad yoga poses which could elicit the odd guffaw or stare – “downward dog” being one, and “happy baby” being another. In the first example, you plant your feet, then plant your hands at a comfortable distance on the floor in front of you, your pert or otherwise butt waving happily in the air as you stretch out your spine. In the second, you lie on your back, thrust your arms between your knees, grab your ankles in your hands and pull your feet up toward your chin while you rock back and forth.
I think you will agree that neither of these poses would enhance the experience of all watching if you performed them with dangly bits causing just a tiny distraction.
We then had Door Number 2, a gentleman in Tennessee who decided, either through alien suggestion or voices in his own rather misguided head, that doing jumping jacks in the raw in the ladies bathroom at McDonald’s was just the thing. When found, he evidently smelled of “chemical fumes, as if he had been huffing.” Call me old-fashioned, but I have no idea what that means, but suffice it to say it probably doesn’t sound good.
Needless to say both men are facing future court dates, and I can’t believe their amusement at their little flings would outweigh the hassle, humiliation and cost of having to appear in front of a judge.
It all rather brings to mind a couple of gorgeous quotes. While the actor David Niven was hosting the Academy Awards back in 1974, a streaker struck across the stage, whereupon Niven very suavely quipped “Isn’t it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings”.
The other, and for the life of me I can’t find the source, but I will leave you with the idea that “one shouldn’t show off one’s dried arrangements.”
Annie Dear lives in Lee’s Summit. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.