Annie Dear: Politicians – both left and right – need to stop talking

I’ve tried to hold out, really I have.

I tried so hard to hold off till the end of the year, but I’m sorry, I just can’t. There are too many delicious bits and pieces of column worthy material out there that I just can’t wait.

Sir and I, husband and wife for these past thrill-packed 13 years, are at the opposite ends of the political spectrum. It doesn’t matter which end is which, which brings me to my point.

As I’ve often quoted the fabulous Scottish comedian Billy Connelly: “Wanting to be a politician should automatically preclude you from ever being one.”

Conservative or liberal, left or right – it doesn’t matter, they’ve all graduated from the Sir-envisaged School of Politics. It really all depends on how much hornswaggle one is prepared to swallow, as to how one will vote – if one could indeed be bothered to do so.

Regardless of that, I do urge you all to vote. You’ve heard all the reasons why you should, not the least of which is that if you don’t vote you don’t get the right to complain. But this is a mere bagatelle. I want you to vote, and the reason is that if we sensible shrugging citizens don’t vote, the election of a leader is left to “the crazies” – those among us who are rabidly right or left – and we end up with a government elected on the strength of absurdities.

But back to Sir’s School of Politics. This is a quick course, where students must learn by rote among others the following phrases, and know without flinching when to use each one. “The fact of the matter is …” is phrase No. 1. It is to be used liberally, especially prior to an utterance which is so far removed from “a fact” but orated with such sincerity, that the rapt listener will swallow every word as God’s truth.

“We’re going to roll up our shirtsleeves and tackle this problem together” is another of Sir’s favorites. This can be quoted in response to any question asked of the candidate, all the way from, “Who’s turn is it to do the dishes?” to “When will we pull out of Afghanistan?”

See? It doesn’t matter what the question, the answer coming from a Rightie or a Leftie as above can broadly encompass any subject without falling into the rookie trap of answering the question directly.

There is a dreadful shortcoming in this School of Politics, however, that sorely needs addressing. The problem is that politicians, having learnt their stock phrases, have the unfortunate ego-boosted propensity to spread their wings and try to ad-lib, letting fly with outrageous garbage, the garbage ending up being added to a compendium of ridiculous quotations.

You all remember Art Linkletter’s great show, “Kids Say the Darndest Things”? Well I’m pitching to the major networks for a new game show: “Politicians Say the Darndest Things.”

We’ve seen two this week, one from Kansas and one from Missouri – let’s keep things fair and balanced, shall we? One maintained that while being raped a woman could quietly and without panic tell her ovaries to stop functioning; the other assuring his constituents that he only went skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee to procure water for his child’s baptism. These I feel will most assuredly end up in the Hall of Fame for Wayward and Frankly Dumb Politicians, shortly I hear to be erected in the left kneecap of good old Abe at the Lincoln Memorial in D.C.

See if you can spot the speakers in these doozies:

• “Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war.” (2003 – Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense.)

• “A zebra does not change its spots.” (Our ecologically sensitive Al Gore.)

• “I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.” (Yes, our illustrious Tricky Dickie Nixon.)

• “There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know, it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.” (Ding, ding ding. Correct answer, our little shrub, George W.)

• “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.” (Could it be? Yes it could. Bill Clinton – right answer.)

• “I’m a huge supporter of women. What I’m not is a supporter of liberalism. Feminism is what I oppose. Feminism has led women astray. I love the women’s movement – especially when walking behind it.” (You may now stop gagging – it was Rush Limbaugh.)

• “I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.” (I think the most often cited for the Hall of Fame – former VP Dan Quayle.)

I suspect I can rest my case now. It matters not which side of the political spectrum you root for, you can pretty much take it to the bank that someone from your favored party will open mouth and insert foot. It’s a problem the School of Politics will try to address, possibly by the surgical reversal of lobotomies previously performed on the students.

But the best quote – the best of all time – uttered by any politician, anywhere in the world, fell like a string of pearls from Abraham Lincoln:

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”