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“Just cool it, Mom, everything will be OK!” As a parent of a teen, this seldom eases your concern about the decisions and choices that they make. According to Kris Jenkins, MU Extension human development specialist, “The teen years bring a real shift in decision making and parents often wonder just what their child can be thinking!”
When your child was young, you made most of the decisions. Gradually, your child gained more control, knowledge and maturity and now wants to make more decisions. As a parent, you want your teen to grow up independent and responsible, but there is no doubt that teens often discount the consequences of their decisions.
Recent research on brain development reveals that the part of the brain that influences decision making and problem solving doesn’t fully developed until early adulthood. In calm situations, teens can reason as well as an adult, but pressure or stress hijacks their ability to make good decisions. In addition, the frontal lobes that help put the brakes on a desire for thrills and risk taking are one of the last areas of the brain to develop. “While it’s little comfort to parents,” adds Jenkins, “There are real, medical reasons why teenagers think they’re invincible, discount the consequences of their choices and think they won’t get hurt, caught or in trouble.”
As parents, it’s important to equip teens with the decision-making skills. After the problem is defined, teach teens that there are six primary steps to decision-making:
1. List the choices.
2. Think about the pros and cons of each choice.
3. Assess the likelihood of the consequences actually happening.
4. Compare the consequences and their importance.
5. Decide and act.
6. Evaluate the consequences of the decision that was made (including those that were unexpected).
Where do teens go wrong?
For teens, the first step can be the most difficult. Often, they see only “either/or” choices. “Either I have a cigarette with my friends, or I look like a loser.” While there are other options, an inexperienced teen (especially in difficult situations) will have a tough time seeing them.
Teens are also concerned about their friends’ reactions. “My boyfriend may break up with me if I don’t have sex with him.” “My friend will be mad if I don’t let him cheat off me.” It’s normal for your teen to look to their peers for leadership and advice; unfortunately those friends often don’t have the skills or information to make good decisions either.
“Just cool it, Mom, everything will be OK!” As a parent of a teen, this seldom eases your concern about the decisions and choices that they make. According to Kris Jenkins, MU Extension human development specialist, “The teen years bring a real shift in decision making and parents often wonder just what their child can be thinking!”
When your child was young, you made most of the decisions. Gradually, your child gained more control, knowledge and maturity and now wants to make more decisions. As a parent, you want your teen to grow up independent and responsible, but there is no doubt that teens often discount the consequences of their decisions.
Recent research on brain development reveals that the part of the brain that influences decision making and problem solving doesn’t fully developed until early adulthood. In calm situations, teens can reason as well as an adult, but pressure or stress hijacks their ability to make good decisions. In addition, the frontal lobes that help put the brakes on a desire for thrills and risk taking are one of the last areas of the brain to develop. “While it’s little comfort to parents,” adds Jenkins, “There are real, medical reasons why teenagers think they’re invincible, discount the consequences of their choices and think they won’t get hurt, caught or in trouble.”
As parents, it’s important to equip teens with the decision-making skills. After the problem is defined, teach teens that there are six primary steps to decision-making:
1. List the choices.
2. Think about the pros and cons of each choice.
3. Assess the likelihood of the consequences actually happening.
4. Compare the consequences and their importance.
5. Decide and act.
6. Evaluate the consequences of the decision that was made (including those that were unexpected).
Where do teens go wrong?
For teens, the first step can be the most difficult. Often, they see only “either/or” choices. “Either I have a cigarette with my friends, or I look like a loser.” While there are other options, an inexperienced teen (especially in difficult situations) will have a tough time seeing them.
Teens are also concerned about their friends’ reactions. “My boyfriend may break up with me if I don’t have sex with him.” “My friend will be mad if I don’t let him cheat off me.” It’s normal for your teen to look to their peers for leadership and advice; unfortunately those friends often don’t have the skills or information to make good decisions either.
Involving your teen in decision making
The bottom line is that sometimes a parent needs to make the final decision. Most young people will even admit that! “But it’s important,” Jenkins reminds, “to involve teens in decisions on matters that directly affect them.” Research has shown that teens feel that “fairness” had more to do with being treated equitably than simply getting their way. They want to be asked for their opinion, taken seriously and listened to instead of criticized. If teens feel they have no control or power in the decisions important to them, they are more likely to feel angry, rebellious and to make rash decisions that are neither safe nor sound. Teen decision making is a work in progress. Their ability to make good decisions depends on the skills you provide them--experience, reinforcement and maturity.
“DO’s” for Parents
n Help them brainstorm possible options and allow for ideas that you might not consider. Don’t criticize your teen’s ideas. If you give them time to think out loud without being judgmental, you show that you respect and value their ideas.
n Help them make decisions, but don’t make all the decisions. Guide them through their choices and accept that some won’t be the decisions that you would make. Soon enough they will be on their own…help them to be prepared.
Help them review their decisions after the fact. What worked? What happened that wasn’t expected? What would you do differently in the future? Don’t say “I told you so.” Without a doubt you have made wrong decision in the past also. This is the perfect chance to help your teens think about what they will do when a similar situation arises again
For more information, contact specialist’s name, number, e-mail or visit your local Extension Center or extension.missouri.edu.
