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“You” vs. “I” is an essential concept when it comes to communication and resolving conflict.
How you make your point, share your feelings or address a difficult issue without misunderstanding or hostility can depend on your approach.
There are two common approaches to conflict:
You-messages start with an accusation, such as, "You did this (bad thing)," or, "You are (another bad thing)."
I-messages are harder to use but much more effective. This approach uses statements about you and your feelings and start with "I feel" or "I felt.” In other words, if you say, "I feel disappointed," rather than, "You broke your promise," you convey the same information. But you do so in a way that is less likely to provoke a defensive or hostile reaction.
“It is important to understand that the way you approach a conversation can make all the difference in the outcome,” reminds Jenkins.
You-messages start a conversation in this way:
“You kids are stressing me out with your fighting. You act like little animals.”
“You’re stupid to text while you’re driving. You’ll kill yourself or someone else.”
“Look at this kitchen. You’re such a pig!”
“Why did you buy that expensive phone? You know we can’t afford it. You’re so irresponsible.”
Get the picture?
You-messages attack and blame others for your feelings and place the responsibility on them.
The immediate result is that the person gets defensive, nothing is resolved and the conflict often escalates.
You-messages put up walls because a person is busy defending the attack.
I-messages simply state a problem, without blame; therefore, making it easier for the other side to help solve the problem, without having to admit wrongdoing.
They say essentially the same thing as you-messages but in a way that allows people to listen to each other.
Conversation openers
“When you text while driving, it scares me because I know that so many kids have had accidents and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I am worried about our money situation and I don’t see how this new cell phone fits into our budget plan.”
“I feel hurt when you talk to me like this; it makes me feel that you don’t care for me.”
“I feel taken for granted when I work so hard to keep the house clean and you track through the house with muddy shoes.”
It is easier sometimes to form I-messages if you use a formula:
When... (state the behavior that you find bothersome)… When you use foul language…
I feel... (state how you feel about the consequences the behavior has for you)…I feel disappointed...
Because... (state the consequences of the person’s behavior for you) ...because I believe you are a better person than that and I hate to see you lower yourself to that level.
I-messages take practice, but they are well worth the effort.
“You” vs. “I” is an essential concept when it comes to communication and resolving conflict.
How you make your point, share your feelings or address a difficult issue without misunderstanding or hostility can depend on your approach.
There are two common approaches to conflict:
You-messages start with an accusation, such as, "You did this (bad thing)," or, "You are (another bad thing)."
I-messages are harder to use but much more effective. This approach uses statements about you and your feelings and start with "I feel" or "I felt.” In other words, if you say, "I feel disappointed," rather than, "You broke your promise," you convey the same information. But you do so in a way that is less likely to provoke a defensive or hostile reaction.
“It is important to understand that the way you approach a conversation can make all the difference in the outcome,” reminds Jenkins.
You-messages start a conversation in this way:
“You kids are stressing me out with your fighting. You act like little animals.”
“You’re stupid to text while you’re driving. You’ll kill yourself or someone else.”
“Look at this kitchen. You’re such a pig!”
“Why did you buy that expensive phone? You know we can’t afford it. You’re so irresponsible.”
Get the picture?
You-messages attack and blame others for your feelings and place the responsibility on them.
The immediate result is that the person gets defensive, nothing is resolved and the conflict often escalates.
You-messages put up walls because a person is busy defending the attack.
I-messages simply state a problem, without blame; therefore, making it easier for the other side to help solve the problem, without having to admit wrongdoing.
They say essentially the same thing as you-messages but in a way that allows people to listen to each other.
Conversation openers
“When you text while driving, it scares me because I know that so many kids have had accidents and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I am worried about our money situation and I don’t see how this new cell phone fits into our budget plan.”
“I feel hurt when you talk to me like this; it makes me feel that you don’t care for me.”
“I feel taken for granted when I work so hard to keep the house clean and you track through the house with muddy shoes.”
It is easier sometimes to form I-messages if you use a formula:
When... (state the behavior that you find bothersome)… When you use foul language…
I feel... (state how you feel about the consequences the behavior has for you)…I feel disappointed...
Because... (state the consequences of the person’s behavior for you) ...because I believe you are a better person than that and I hate to see you lower yourself to that level.
I-messages take practice, but they are well worth the effort.
