I overheard my wife talking on the phone to one of her friends.
I hate overhearing my wife talk on the phone to one of her friends. These conversations are usually full of snorting, dolphin noises and words that might mean something to me if they were in a different order.
The problem may be that I hear only one side of the conversation, or it may be because I can’t understand how women think. I’m going with the last one.
“Hey,” my wife said, pulling the phone from her ear. “(College friend) wants to get her hair cut. She has a stylist she doesn’t really like, but does a great job on her hair. And, she has one she likes, but doesn’t give her as good a cut. What would a man do?”
There were so many things wrong with that question.
“Men don’t go to stylists,” I said, suddenly rummaging through our kitchen junk drawer for a screwdriver, or pliers for no reason other than I needed to hold something manly. “We cut our hair in the forest with a Bowie knife.”
She frowned. “Be serious.”
I thought I was.
“A guy would go to whomever would do the best job at the least cost,” I said. “Or, just grow a mullet. I miss the ’80s.”
“Hold on,” she said into the phone. “Jason isn’t making sense again.”
When she was off the phone, she turned to me with the expression only a wife who knows she’s right can pull off.
“This isn’t something you’d ever think of, is it?” she said to me. “Like rolling socks? Which saves space, by the way.”
Rolling socks. That’s crazy talk. Everybody knows socks are best stored tossed randomly into a drawer.
“We don’t have to like someone to work with them,” I said. “If that were the case we’d still be hunter-gatherers.”
I nodded for absolutely no reason and took the pliers I’d pulled from the drawer and went to tighten something in the garage. It didn’t matter what; I just needed to run away.
Gender relations are impossible, it’s like the Federation negotiating with the Romulans. There are approximately too many books written that claim to help people understand the opposite sex and each one is a lie because it’s simply impossible. Our brains are wired differently.
According to a study by the University of Pennsylvania medical school, men’s brains have more connections to the front and rear areas, which benefit motor skills, whereas women’s brains have more connections to the left and right areas, which benefit analytical thinking.
What does this mean? Let's compare women and men to types of math. Women are the type of math NASA uses to send space probes to distant planets. Men are the type of math used to count the number of ice cubes in a tray and this math is wrong two out of three times. But, we’re good in shop class.
Or, put another way, when given a problem, women overthink it and men hit things with a hammer. This is science, people.
Which brings us back to haircuts.
Should you go with the person you like more or the one who gives a better cut?
Please don’t ask us. Men don’t care. We’re just going to put a hat on anyway.
– Find out about everything Jason at jasonoffutt.com.