The *&^$@ thing wouldn’t fit. But it had to. The instructions said it would.

Instructions? What kind of person have I been reduced to if I have to read instructions to fix something around the house?

Given that I know the basics of home repair (and by “basics,” I mean I used to watch “Home Improvement”), this tragic display of do-it-yourself ineptitude wasn’t my fault. As the adult in our home designated to hammer nails and fight zombies, I should be able to patch a drippy sink.

Right?

Right.

Much like the fact that I didn’t know I was losing my hair until I met my wife, everything bad I did to our bathroom was her fault. It had to be. If she hadn’t noticed the bathroom sink leaking, I wouldn’t be trying to fix it armed with the plumbing knowledge of a toddler.

Wait a second. Maybe I should ask the toddler to fix the sink.

“You cuss a lot more than a professional,” my wife said when I pulled my head from beneath the Marshy Undersink Cabinet of Mysteries and walked into the kitchen. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard a plumber say, ‘The *&^$@ thing won’t fit’ then hit things with a wrench.”

“What do you know?” I did not, even for a second, consider saying out loud.

Instead I said, “I’m just going to grab a beer. I’m almost finished. No worries.”

Husband to wife translation of the last four sentences: “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

I went back to the bathroom, locked the door and played Super Mario Brothers on our old Game Boy.

Game designers have always missed out on real world applications. The Mario brothers have been plumbers for at least 34 years and I’ve never seen them install so much as a garbage disposal. Using my game controller to make Mario and Luigi change out a toilet would have helped me much more in life than making them jump mushrooms and fight fire-breathing turtles.

Seeing that the Nintendo corporation let me down, here’s what I’ve learned about plumbing.

• Water is a jerk.

• Given the contortionistically uncomfortable positions plumbers have to assume, they could make a few extra bucks working for the circus.

• Porcelain breaks.

• No matter how much plumbing tape is applied, it’s never enough and too much at the same time.

• There’s not enough beer in the world for me to try to fix a sink again in my lifetime.

Eventually my wife figured out what I was doing and knocked on the bathroom door.

“Do you need me to call a plumber?” she asked.

“No,” I told her.

She tried a different tactic. “Do you want me to call a plumber?”

“No,” I replied, although my voice may have been shaky.

“OK, then.” Since the door was locked, I don’t know this, but I’m pretty sure her arms were folded. “If I call a plumber without your knowledge, would you unlock the door? I’ll give you another beer.”

My wife knows me well.

“Yeah, sure,” I said. “Whatever.”

Our sink is fixed now.

– Find out about everything Jason at jasonoffutt.com.