Today is National Pigs in a Blanket Day. By the time you read this, it may be National Popcorn Day, National Flip a Coin Day, or National Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day.
These are things, real things, and make me worry that we have so much spare time on our hands we can afford to celebrate something silly called National Kitchen Klutzes of America Day (June 13); 10 fingers not required.
Don’t we have work to do?
Jan. 28 is Data Privacy Day. I read about it on Facebook. (This is, of course, a joke and not a funny one at that.)
March 10 is Mario Day (MAR10. It looks like MARIO. Ha. Ha, ha), to honor the Nintendo video game character.
May 4 is Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you).
Sept. 19 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day (better known as People I’ll Never Engage in Conversation Day).
Oct. 22 (and sometimes June 28) is CAPS LOCK DAY.
These special days are, in a word, silly. Who needs to celebrate National Donut Day (first Friday in June)? First, it’s spelled “doughnut.” Second, if you don’t care enough about your health that you’re willing to eat a ring of deep-fried dough coated in sugar (see? Dough-nut), then you’re not going to wait until June. You have arteries to clog and time’s a wastin’.
Are days like National Garden Meditation Day (May 3) popular? I feel as if I’m missing out on something. What’s in these quasi-holidays (or quasolidays) for me?
Quasolidays falling on my birthday are National Nail Polish Day, National Go Barefoot Day, National Hazelnut Cake Day and National Say Something Nice Day.
Those don’t sound like me at all. To commemorate all things Jason, I think I need to start my own special day.
Maybe someone cool shares my birthday, then we can celebrate together. Let’s see. Model Heidi Klum? Maybe. Son of Sam serial killer David Berkowitz? No, that’s definitely not going to work.
How about deaths? I could have a quasoliday honoring a celebrity who died on my birthday.
Lizzie Borden? Uh, no. Paula Hitler? What? Hitler’s sister died on my birthday? Nazi Adolf Eichmann? Oh, come on, universe, give me a break.
That’s it. I don’t want any celebrities or evil deaths associated with me. So, in true Jason fashion, my day is going to be all about me.
Announcement. If you’re looking for something to do June 1, how about celebrating Jason Day.
• Have bacon and eggs for breakfast.
• Take a nap.
• Have a lengthy personal debate on which type of meat you’ll grill in the afternoon then give up and grill it all.
• Reference “The Simpsons” in every conversation with your spouse until they tell you to shut up.
• Watch too much “Star Trek” (Too much “Star Trek”? There’s no such thing).
• Drive around town and scream at storefront signage written in improper grammar or using comic sans.
• Have a few beers then sit on the back deck waiting for space aliens to come and take you away.
– Jason’s newest novel, “Bad Day for the Apocalypse,” is available at jasonoffutt.com.