Cell phones are changing everything

The waitress couldn’t have seen this coming. She was only doing her job, after all.

“Sir, your table’s ready,” she said to a guy standing near the door. He didn’t move.

“Sir?”

The guy turned toward her.

“Can’t you see I’m on the phone?” he said, pointing to the hands-free/common courtesy-free Bluetooth telephone sticking from his ear. And, no, she couldn’t.

Whoa, I thought. Talking to the Enterprise are you Spock? Yeah, why don’t you have them beam you down a personality.

Communication technology, once relegated to human beings actually speaking to each other, has finally reached the point it is acceptable to ask someone out for a date, close business deals or order a tactical nuclear strike without being in the same room.

Notice: If you see anyone younger than 25 not plugged into a cell phone or iPod please, for their own good, call the authorities.

They’re obviously a danger to themselves.

So, as good Americans, what should we do about this cultural communications shift? Make money from it.

A new telephone service, Slydial, gives customers the ability to break up with their boy/girlfriend by leaving them a voicemail. The dumpee’s telephone won’t ring, the call will show up as missed, and complete wienies can sit back and celebrate the fact that they didn’t have to take responsibility for anything.

Gavin Macomber, co-founder of the company that created Slydial, doesn’t deny this is a tool for wimps.

“Everybody has gone through the scenario where they’ve called somebody and just hoped they got voice mail so they didn’t have to have a conversation,” Macomber told the Associated Press.

Wow, that’s great. Too bad this technology didn’t exist during the 1940s, World War II may have been a bit different.

The Oval Office, Aug. 6, 1945.

President Truman (telephone ringing): Gee, I hope his phone’s not on.

Japanese Emperor Hirohito’s voicemail: Hi, you’ve reached Emperor Hirohito. I’m busy plotting against Allied Forces right now, but if you leave your number I’ll get back with you as soon as I’ve expanded the Empire.

Truman: Uh, yeah, Hiro, hi, it’s Harry. Things really aren’t working out. All the fighting, all the name calling. I just can’t take it anymore, so, I’m breaking it off. I’m sending over a couple of packages to take your mind off this. I hope we can still be friends.

Secretary of War Henry L. Stimson: How did he take it?

Truman: I don’t know; I got his voicemail. Good thing. Boy, that would have been awkward.

Now, because of technology, we’re creating a generation of people who can’t talk to each other. What will that do to this country? Will we ever leave our homes? Since face-to-face contact will be limited, will halitosis run amok?

Will we lose the ability to form coherent sentences without speaking into a microphone?

I guess that last one’s good, in a way. When the machines finally take over, at least we’ll be able to talk to them.



Jason’s book of ghost stories, “Haunted Missouri: A Ghostly Guide to the Show-Me State’s Most Spirited Spots,” is available at amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com or tsup.truman.edu.

Visit Jason’s Web site, www.jasonoffutt.com, for his other books.