The 61 annoying faces of Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus greeted me at the door to Wal-Mart.

The 15-year-old star of the Disney Channel hit Hannah Montana didn’t say “good morning,” offer a shopping cart or put a sticker on the hedge clippers I wanted to return – and don’t think I won’t fill out a comment card about that, sweetie. She just smiled from a poster, smug in the fact that she’s making more money off that poster than I’ve earned since I was 15.

As my wife and I walked into the stor,e I realized something that made me cast suspicious glances at people in blue smocks – much like the CIA, Miley Cyrus was everywhere.

And by “everywhere” I mean everywhere. Look behind you. No, not yet. Now. Darn, you just missed her. Look again …

“Did you see Miley Cyrus?” I asked my wife, as we took a few more steps.

“No.”

“She’s right there,” I said, pointing to a display of 100-calorie Funyuns bags and, considering they were Funyuns, the 100-calories must have been referring to the bag.

“Oh, yeah.”

“And there,” I said, motioning toward the school supplies and Miley Cyrus’s smiling face. I’d hate to see her in a bad mood – she’d probably be smiling. And that face was on backpacks, T-shirts and soda boxes. “Good, Lord. She’s like Big Brother’s little sister.”

Eight, nine, 10 … the pixie stared at me from 10 different spots within 20 feet of the front door. Sure, it was a nice enough face, but the girl – the product of an experiment to cross her father, country music one-hit wanker Billy Ray Cyrus, with an ATM – was just a girl. A 15-year-old girl whose face was printed on more surfaces than George Washington’s.

“Are you still counting?” my wife asked as we walked past the pharmacy.

“Yeah.”

“You missed one.”

Hmmm, interesting. Hannah Montana anti-fungal jock itch ointment.

Toys, DVDs, caps, lip-gloss, beef jerky – nothing was safe from Miley Cyrus and the Disney Corporation. I saw her face 61 times in that store and, seriously, I wasn’t looking that hard.

But it was her last mug – the one on a back-to-school poster, her head as big as a Volkswagen – that made me understand what was happening here. And it all had to do with her dad, Billy Ray.

Billy Ray Cyrus, known for his 1992 hit “Achy Breaky Heart,” was just giving his little girl advice.

“Honey,” I can hear him say, his once-grand mullet flapping in the breeze, “take everything. Take as much as you can for as long as you can. Because once your ‘Achy Breaky’ is off the play list, darlin’, you’ll be singing at malls and grocery store openings. Don’t let Daddy’s life happen to you.”

Thanks, Billy Ray. I feel better about myself. And I’ll buy your disposable mop heads, Miley Cyrus, to help pay for all those psychiatric bills later in life.



Jason’s book of ghost stories, “Haunted Missouri: A Ghostly Guide to the Show-Me State’s Most Spirited Spots,” is available at amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com or tsup.truman.edu. Visit Jason’s Web site, www.jasonoffutt.com, for his other books.