Signed on the dotted line, regardless

The day was warm, sunny and perfect. The Square in Independence was crowded with Santa-Cali-Gon visitors enjoying one activity, souvenir and modest bite to eat after another.

Then I heard an announcement: We’ll be having the watermelon-seed-spitting contest soon. The announcer outlined the age divisions – it’s geared toward kids – and then threw in this ominous sign of the times.

Parents must sign a waiver.

A waiver? Really? For spitting watermelon seeds?

Well, think about it.

A kid might spit errantly, perhaps hitting a competitor, judge or onlooker. Heaven only knows how much damage a one-tenth-ounce seed – flying at the speed of spit – might do. I myself have been hit with the occasional watermelon shrapnel and have the scars to prove it.

Or maybe a competitor would get confused, spit the wrong way and end up swallowing a seed. Goodness.

I’m sure watermelon seeds are entirely edible. Hard-core outdoorspeople eat the whole apple – including the stem. I got dared into doing that on a Scout trip last year. OK, I didn’t eat the stem, which means I’m not really hard core, but I ate the rest, including the seeds. The point is I survived, and I’m guessing people who are younger, stronger and healthier would too.

Or maybe a wee lad or lass would step up to the line and only then realize the inherent grossness of spitting seeds in the first place. Would he or she then succumb to the vapors and faint, hitting a head on the cold, hard ground? Would he or she spark a barf-o-rama, as seen in the movie “Stand By Me”?

Probably not. Kids generally are good with the whole gross-out thing. It’s adults who get queasy.

So what’s up with this waiver? What legal issues can surround the spitting of watermelon seeds? I guess there is another possibility.

Some precious child might lose.

Now we’re in the danger zone: The shock of failure. Something less than a blue ribbon. The sharp, life-warping pain of being insufficient to the task. And, of course, the specter of litigation.

“If it please the court, your honor, we will show that little Johnny’s chances of getting into Harvard Law (class of 2024) have been materially diminished since he was capriciously denied a fair chance in an unwaivered, uncertified ‘watermelon-seed-spitting contest.’ Further, your honor, this has subjected him to ridicule and scorn. Nay, he has been veritably shunned by the greater society of 6-year-olds.”

Yeah, it’s easier just to have Mom or Dad scrawl a signature onto one more piece of paper, signing away their rights and probably accepting responsibility for global warming, the poor state of the Royals and the sinking of the Titanic.

I realize that the lawyers and underwriters run the planet, but does all the added paperwork make us better, happier people? I seriously doubt it.