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Examiner
  • Jason Offutt: A few facts, a lot of scary fiction

  •  Mind – blown.


    A recent Gallup poll on what Americans believe shows that we probably watch way, way too much TV and know just enough to operate the universal remote. I mean, it’s comfortable on the couch, and the only book in the house is propping up the short leg, so it’s not like I can read it, or anything. Right?

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  •  Mind – blown.
    A recent Gallup poll on what Americans believe shows that we probably watch way, way too much TV and know just enough to operate the universal remote. I mean, it’s comfortable on the couch, and the only book in the house is propping up the short leg, so it’s not like I can read it, or anything. Right?
    • 80 percent of Americans believe in miracles. Come on, I believe in miracles. Where’re you from, you sexy thing, you sexy thang you.
    • 79 percent believe the earth revolves around the sun, 18 percent believe the sun revolves around the earth, and 3 percent are unsure. Excuse me? Didn’t Copernicus get the finger from the Catholic Church after proving the sun is the bad boy in the solar system back in the 1500s? That’s the 16th century, which is, you know, like before color TV, or something.
    • 50 percent believe God created the universe/world/people in six days about 6,000 years ago. I’m not getting into religion. I’m just saying.
    • 44 percent believe in legalizing marijuana. OK, this explains a lot about the results of this poll.
    • 41 percent believe in ESP, but they knew that already.
    • 39 percent believe in evolution. I think this has to do with all those seasons of “Jersey Shore.” Missing links everywhere.
    • 37 percent believe houses can be haunted. The other 63 percent are obviously not living in the right house.
    • 36 percent believe in extraterrestrials. As the late astronomer Carl Sagan once said (or maybe he’s still saying it if the above 37 percent are right), “The universe is a pretty big place. If it’s just us, seems like an awful waste of space.”
    • 32 percent believe in UFOs. See above.
    • 21 percent believe in witches. The poll doesn’t go into detail with the interview question, but I’m picturing Melissa Joan Hart.
    • 21 percent believe the government covered up a 1947 UFO crash in Roswell, N.M. Hmm. Actress Demi Moore is from Roswell. Come on, she’s 50 and looks like she’s still in college. Do you not see a connection here?
    • 13 percent believe President Obama is the anti-Christ. Well, good for them.
    • Six percent believe the United States government staged the Apollo moon landing. Excuse me; I just laughed beer out my nose. The chance of our government, which can’t even produce a balanced budget, faked the moon landing is as great as Jay Leno not taking the “Tonight Show” gig back from Jimmy Fallon.
    • Four percent believe extraterrestrial reptilians control the entire world’s governments and Obama, in an apparent case of epic multitasking, is one of them.
    Not to be outdone by those showoffs at Gallup, a Zogby poll discovered that not only can Americans name more of Snow White’s Seven Dwarfs than they can Supreme Court justices; more Americans can name the Three Stooges than can name the three branches of government.
    Page 2 of 2 - We have problems in this country, folks. We have serious problems.
    Follow Jason Offutt on Twitter @TheJasonOffutt.
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