• Jeff Fox: Bring home the bacon and hide it

  • Good citizens, our job is to not become jaded, but it is difficult sometimes, isn’t it?

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  • Good citizens, our job is to not become jaded, but it is difficult sometimes, isn’t it?
    If you’ve been around long enough, you can recall that Kohoutek 40 years ago did not turn out to be the comet of the century. Nor was it our demise. You can recall that the “harmonic convergence” of 1988 – some planetary alignment fandango that seemed like a big deal at the time – did not implode the universe down to the singularity.
    The turn of the century generally and Y2K specifically turned out to be yawners. The still earth spins. The sun still rises. And in the words of Tennessee Ernie Ford, each day we are “another day older and deeper in debt.” As it ever was.
    So I take some hope in the observation that here we are, hurtling toward the end of 2012, and there’s a distinct lack of freaking out about the Mayan death calendar of late December, despite the best efforts of half a dozen cable TV channels. Maybe we’ve learned. Maybe we’ve evolved.
    But I’m betting on the aporkalypse.
    I’ve been in this business for quite awhile, and I’ve learned that you never really know which news will become No. 1 at the water cooler – not to mention Facebook and the Twitterverse – but one expert in Britain popping off about an imminent and inevitable shortage of bacon, well, that one’s easy.
    Actually, he pointed out that feed prices are high. Farmers in Europe are shipping little piggies to market, which is good for consumers now. But that means fewer hogs left to breed next year and therefore ... wait for it ... the worldwide bacon crisis. (The same sort of thing is happening in the drought-stricken U.S., though the story here is beef. U.S. pork producers have been expanding because the Chinese cannot get enough of our pork chops and hot dogs. Still, over time, worldwide demand for red meat is rising, so the basic theory of the aporkalypse – that joke will never get old – applies.)
    There are a couple of ways of playing this. Have they cut off our coffee yet? Strawberry limeades? Pizza? No. Then let’s count our blessings.
    Some of us really don’t need those couple of slices of bacon every morning, though it is hard to imagine a complete summer without a perfect Missouri tomato sliced up for a proper BLT. Don’t skimp on the B.
    My son has hardly touched pork for years, ever since attending an honest-to-goodness Hawaiian luau complete with roasted hog. Apple in the mouth – the whole deal. Cohorts convinced him it was gross.
    The way I figure it, this puts our household two-thirds of the way to being bacon free. Well, with certain exceptions.
    Page 2 of 2 - This leads to a philosophical question: Is it really a crisis if you choose to sit it out?
    Jeff Fox promises his Twitter followers that he’s entertaining and informative. He’s @Jeff_Fox. Reach him at 816-350-6313 or jeff.fox@examiner.net.
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