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Examiner
  • Jason Offutt: When tiger comes, play it cool

  •  The Large Hadron Collider opening a black hole in Switzerland, the H7N9 bird flu melting our insides, and rogue asteroids threatening to kill the heck out of us. If these weren’t enough to terrorize the human race into a Prozac-gobbling frenzy, there’s an even bigger horror out there, and it’s just waiting for us to use the bathroom.

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  •  The Large Hadron Collider opening a black hole in Switzerland, the H7N9 bird flu melting our insides, and rogue asteroids threatening to kill the heck out of us. If these weren’t enough to terrorize the human race into a Prozac-gobbling frenzy, there’s an even bigger horror out there, and it’s just waiting for us to use the bathroom.
    Tigers.
    If you think tigers are only a problem for Mike Tyson and people in Southeast Asia, you’re wrong. Ask Jenna Krehbiel.
    Krehbiel, taking her 3-year-old daughter to the bathroom at the Isis Shrine Circus performance April 20 in Salina, Kan., opened the door to the women’s restroom and found something more frightening than the condition of the toilet seat.
    Inside the bathroom, about two feet away from the door, was a tiger. At roughly 11 feet long and weighing nearly 700 pounds, the tiger is the third largest carnivore on the planet, only behind polar bears and, I think, Godzilla. If you simply assume tigers got the nickname “man-eating” because they date a lot, you don’t know much about tigers. They’re amazingly monogamous.
    Instead of doing what any normal person would do, which is scream and lose control of all bodily functions, Krehbiel showed whatever career choice she made is the wrong one. She should be defusing bombs.
    “I turned around calmly and walked back toward the door,” Krehbiel told KWCH Eyewitness News.
    Yep. Bombs.
    This isn’t the only tiger-related terror to grace the news.
    Former real estate agent, and nearly former lots of things, David Villalobos jumped from the zoo monorail into a great cat enclave at the Bronx Zoo in September 2012 to be “one with the tiger.” Unsure if he honestly didn’t understand what “one with the tiger” meant when translated into sane, police rescued him literally from the jaws of Bachuta, a 400-pound Amur cat.
    Admittedly, a jungle enclosure at a zoo is a little more prone to tigers than a Kansas bathroom, but the point is the same. Tigers don’t make good house pets. People in West Bengal know this.
    After a 2008 flood in India did what floods do best, which is give the finger to everything as it passes, it did even more by driving tigers closer to remote villages. Then tigers started eating people.
    “The man-eaters are looking for humans,” a villager told the UK Guardian. “Once they have the taste of human flesh, they will always look for it.”
    We must be delicious.
    No longer able to read Winnie-the-Pooh without screaming in fear, I will bring you some good news on the tigers-trying-to-kill-us front. Ladles.
    While making soup, 55-year-old Han Besau heard her husband Tambun Gediu scream from the jungle that surrounds their town in northern Malaysia. She ran outside to help and found a tiger trying to eat his face.
    Page 2 of 2 - “I was terrified,” Tambun Gediu told The New Straits Times. “It would have clawed me to death if my wife had not arrived.”
    Still carrying a wooden soup ladle from the goat’s head bisque, or whatever soup they eat in Malaysia, she beat the tiger in the head until it let her husband go.
    The lesson here? Always carry a wooden soup ladle. Tigers are everywhere.
    Follow Jason Offutt on Twitter @TheJasonOffutt.
     
     
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