Many people wonder how Santa Claus (Kris Kringle) manages to round the globe in a single bound, leaving in his wake presents for every good boy and girl.

Many people wonder how Santa Claus (Kris Kringle) manages to round the globe in a single bound, leaving in his wake presents for every good boy and girl.
Since the advent of the motorcycle in 1867, Santa Hog (Donn Wyckoff) has split duties with the holly jolly fat man. Whereas Claus announces his coming with the scraping of his sleigh on a rooftop and a “Ho! Ho! Ho!,” Hog’s arrival coincides with three vrooms and an “Oh No!” as he hurdles himself down the chimney like a kid doing a cannonball.
Hugh Welsh, a reporter for The Examiner, was awakened by Hog on Christmas Eve after a mechanical malfunction sent Hog’s bike crashing though his front window. Welsh decided he’d ask Hog about his Top 10 priorities following Christmas Eve.

10. Settling the insurance claims from all the stuff I supposedly busted after falling down the chimney.
9. Day after Christmas or the first of the year or mid-year, I’ll join a fitness club and call Weight Watchers. Or maybe I’ll just watch those young ladies on the Fitness channel; that’ll get the old heart rate up, which is what the fitness gurus say is beneficial for weight loss, right? Works for me!! But then, could a skinny Santa be as jolly as one who is circumference-challenged?
8. Get the suit cleaned. With all those crying, snot-nosed, candy-eating children, Santa’s suit catches an extraordinary amount of Christmas funk! Not to mention the little puppy who gets excited, then has an accident on Santa’s lap! To moms all over the world, please don’t give little Wyatt a bottle before plopping him down on Santa’s lap!
7. Need to take the old transport in for its annual tuneup, get it all cleaned up for next Christmas. It’ll be here before you know it! Been thinking about adding some flames, new upholstery and maybe a new sound system.
6. Trim the beard way down! Took a bite of one of those delicious iced Christmas cookies, you know which ones! Shoved that bad boy into the ol’ pie hole and drug in enough whiskers to make a small paint brush! Yeah, trim that baby way down!
5. Take a nap – a long, long nap! Somewhere between the hibernation only a bear can appreciate and a self- induced coma. Might wake up in time to bring in the new year, at which time I will join Weight Watchers.
4. Take Mrs. Santa Hog to some deserted island with a private beach. We’ll soak up some rays and relax on the beach with a couple of margaritas.
3. In the words of country music star Travis Tritt, “Think I’ll take my old Harley for a three-day cruise, might even get a new tattoo!!”
2. Give the elves some well deserved time off, especially Ernest the Elf. Bless his little heart, he just can’t keep from mixing up the Barbie and G.I. Joe body parts. Imagine little Johnnie’s trauma after opening his gift to find his G.I. Joe holding a rocket launcher wearing pink high heels and a matching shoulder bag!
1. Flushing my system of all the milk and cookies (and other goodies I gobbled)! Next Christmas I'll be asking a few children in select areas to put out fruit instead – but no prunes or bananas!