My 5-year-old son loves to go with me to the gas station. Every time we get out of the car he hunts for pennies someone may have dropped while pulling car keys out of their pocket. He’s found pennies, nickels, dimes and the ever-elusive quarter. No real cash yet.

My 5-year-old son loves to go with me to the gas station. Every time we get out of the car he hunts for pennies someone may have dropped while pulling car keys out of their pocket. He’s found pennies, nickels, dimes and the ever-elusive quarter. No real cash yet.

But this time he found a nut.

“What’s this?” he asked, holding up the hexagonal silver piece of metal.

“It’s a nut,” I said. “It goes on the end of a bolt.”

He looked at it for a second, realized it 1) did him little good without the bolt, and 2) he couldn’t buy chocolate milk with it. So he reared back and threw it right in the butt of the man at the gas pump across from us.

“Hey,” the guy yelped as he grabbed his fanny.

Once the man realized his attacker was a 5-year-old and not a mugger or the invading Communist Chinese army, he laughed. I made the Boy apologize, only to learn my son hadn’t aimed for the man. He’d thrown the nut at the man’s brand new red Corvette.

As we walked in the store to pay for our gas, I used this time to tell my son just how many pennies he’d have to find to pay for the damage if he’d actually hit the car – every penny ever made.

Dads get a bad rap. A father’s contribution to the education of their children is invaluable:



A Dad’s Guide to Education

Every moment is a learning opportunity

Kid: Why’s the toilet water green?

Dad: What color was it before you used the toilet?

Kid: Blue.

Dad: And after?

Kid: Oooooh.

Dad: There’s your art lesson for today.

Gravity is fun

Kid: Which is heavier, a pound of lead or a pound of feathers?

Dad: That’s a silly question. They both weigh a pound. What are you learning in that school of yours?

Kid: Gravity.

Dad: OK, did you know two objects of different weights fall at the same rate?

Kid: That doesn’t sound right. (Pause) What are the water balloons for?

Dad: One’s filled with Karo syrup, the other’s filled with Aqua Velva. Let’s test the different weight theory on Johnson down the street.

Civics is stupid

Kid: I have a dollar.

Dad: That’s great, son. What are you going to do with it?

Kid: Buy a candy bar.

Dad: But a candy bar costs a dollar. How are you going to pay the tax?

Kid: You mean things don’t cost what they say they cost?

Dad: That’s how the government works. Wait until you buy a car.

History is interpreted by whoever’s right

Kid: Why are you changing the time on all the clocks in the house?

Dad: Because of the French.

Kid: The French told you to change the time?

Dad: Ben Franklin was one of the smartest men to ever live, but he had one weakness. He loved the French. In order to save the French government money, he suggested they change the time in the winter so they wouldn’t have to burn so many candles in the parliament house.

Kid: So why is it the French’s fault?

Dad: The French eat cold soup. That makes them wrong about everything.