Dear Dr. Kinder – I am writing to complain about Dr. Tim Allshouse and his minions. It has come to my attention by observation of several of the practically skinny members of his marching band – who formerly had appeared well prepared for surviving any famine that they might have had to endure – that he has some diabolical plan to get our children into good physical condition.

Dear Dr. Kinder – I am writing to complain about Dr. Tim Allshouse and his minions. It has come to my attention by observation of several of the practically skinny members of his marching band – who formerly had appeared well prepared for surviving any famine that they might have had to endure – that he has some diabolical plan to get our children into good physical condition.

These poor young people were pleasingly plump and blissful in their ignorance of how much better they would feel if thin and fit. Now they walk with shoulders back, showing personal pride and self-confidence resembling that of an astronaut or a United States Marine. Why, they are so afraid of having to endure the dreaded band camp with bulging bellies and bottoms they are actually developing lifestyles that keep the weight off. What I fear the most here is that these radical ideas might be catching.

How do you expect your local pediatricians and family physicians to make a living if there is nobody to nag about losing weight? My internist colleagues should be even more concerned since these kids are verging on adulthood and obesity is their, pardon me, bread and butter. I can only hope that the school district has no plans to expand these radical ideas to other areas of school-related endeavor. If the debate team or the Spanish club were to initiate such a program, or even worse, if the grade schools were to get wind of this, I shudder to think.

A community of fit children is almost certainly a community of poverty-stricken doctors. I demand you take action to correct this nefarious activity at once. Dr. Allshouse should be brought before the school board and given what is coming to him. We can’t have these ideas spreading.