Hello, and welcome to Jason’s wonderful world of air travel. You can’t sneak a penknife, lighter or bottle of bourbon onto an airplane without being cuffed, detained, beaten and charged $8 for a glass of Pepsi in the airport lounge, but ...

Hello, and welcome to Jason’s wonderful world of air travel. You can’t sneak a penknife, lighter or bottle of bourbon onto an airplane without being cuffed, detained, beaten and charged $8 for a glass of Pepsi in the airport lounge, but ...
In May 2008, a man snuck a monkey on an airplane at Orlando International Airport in a fanny pack but was caught before the flight to Cleveland took off because, as anyone who sneaks a monkey onto an airplane would do, he took it out and played with it.
Airport officials, however, aren’t sure how he snuck the monkey on to the plane.
“Whether the monkey came through security overtly or covertly, the monkey was screened,” Transportation and Security Administration spokesperson Sari Koshetz told news reports.
Which makes me feel safe to fly. What if the monkey was carrying a bomb in his underwear? I saw “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.” Some monkeys are known terrorists.
“It could have been really dangerous, being in flight in the air and a commotion happening like that,” a nearby passenger said.
You think?
Strangely enough, this sort of thing is common.
In 2009, a man flying from Lima, Peru, to Fort Lauderdale, Fla., snuck a marmoset on to an airplane under his hat. He wasn’t caught until the monkey’s tail dropped out of his hat after transferring onto a flight to New York.
Yes, he took it on two flights on two different continents. Two questions: 1) What if the monkey had a gun? 2) What did it smell like under that hat?
This month, a New Zealand court sentenced a 58-year-old German reptile collector to 14 weeks in jail and a $3,540 fine for smuggling.
Hans Kurt Kubus (his friends only call him “Kurt” when he drives his Camaro) attempted to sneak 44 geckos and skinks out of the country in his pants.
That’s rights, 44 lizards – in his pants.
The first question isn’t how (he’d sewed a pouch into his underwear), the question is why? Let’s retrace his steps:
1) Collecting reptiles is weird.
2) He’s German and was in New Zealand, so it would be safe to assume he’d been drinking.
3) At some point during his holiday he probably wore one of those skimpy bathing suits 58-year-old European guys don’t seem to think hurt the eyes of anyone not blind.
So, yeah, he’s just the kind of guy who puts lizards in his pants.
According to the BBC, the sentencing judge accused Kubus of “plundering New Zealand’s wild gecko and skink populations.”
Hmm. What’s really the difference between a wild and domesticated gecko or skink? These lizards have brains the size of the average attorney’s moral capacity. Their thought processes go like this:
Gecko/skink: “Hungry, hungry, hungry. Predator, predator, predator. Scamper, scamper, scamper. Sleep.”
Wildlife officials at Christchurch International Airport (wildlife officials at the airport?) detained Kubus because his pants were chirping.
 The next time you take a plane, pack some raw meat in your carry-on bag. The guy next to you might have a jaguar in his boxers.