• Jason Offutt: Life's short list of certitude

  • Although many aspects of our lives are simply a crapshoot (and we’ve all come up craps a few times) there are few things we can be fairly certain of.

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  • Although many aspects of our lives are simply a crapshoot (and we’ve all come up craps a few times) there are few things we can be fairly certain of.
    Oh, sure, there’s gravity, and that whole “TV news reporter frying an egg on the sidewalk in the summer” thing. But what else can we, as amazingly annoyed Americans, be willing to put down five bucks on to actually happen?
    Death? It depends on what religion you subscribe to.
    The sun will come up in the morning? Nope. The sun doesn’t do squat. It’s the earth that moves.
    Taxes? According to www.howstuffworks.com, around 50 percent of people in this country don’t pay taxes.
    The lottery ticket you didn’t buy is the one that’ll win the jackpot? No, don’t be stupid. The odds of you being crushed by a vending machine are greater than you winning the Powerball (seriously).
    But there are certainties out there, some of which don’t even make sense, such as:
    1. Washing and waxing your car always costs exactly one quarter more than what you have on you.
    2. Everything you own will someday break.
    3. If you watch enough reruns of “Cops,” you will eventually see a relative.
    4. Physics. A body in motion tends to stay in motion. Two objects of different weights fall at the same rate. Deal with it.
    5. No amount of cosmetic surgery will make up for the fact that you’re old.
    6. No matter how many times you’ve been to this restaurant, the first time you leave your driver’s license at home, you will get carded when you order drinks.
    7. All the dorks you made fun of in high school now make more money than you do.
    8. Stupid drunken guys never get hurt in automobile accidents.
    9. Someone will lie to you on a daily basis.
    10. If you’re old enough to run for the presidency, you have absolutely nothing in common with that 21-year-old girl you’re flirting with.
    11. You’re going to flirt with her anyway.
    12. The Kansas City Royals will look good in spring training.
    13. The most annoying new song will inevitably reach No. 1.
    14. At some point during each workday you realize that everyone on earth is wrong but you.
    15. It’s not until you understand No. 14 that you realize everyone on earth thinks exactly the same thing.
    16. No matter how good your window seat is on the airplane, a guy who smells of Doritos will sit next to you.
    17. Voters in Chicago, Ohio, and West Palm Beach, Fla., couldn’t fill out a ballot correctly if it was written in flashing neon and the ghost of Woodrow Wilson was guiding their hands.
    Page 2 of 2 - And the most certain thing in life is …
    18. You will never win an argument with your wife.
    Gee, now I’m all depressed.
    Follow Jason Offutt on Twitter @TheJasonOffutt.

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