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Examiner
  • Jason Offutt: The headlines we really need

  •  With frivolous stories crowding the headlines, such as congressional budget talks, North Korea threatening us with nuclear missiles, and “Body found floating near Washington’s National Mall,” the news we need is often ignored.*

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  •  With frivolous stories crowding the headlines, such as congressional budget talks, North Korea threatening us with nuclear missiles, and “Body found floating near Washington’s National Mall,” the news we need is often ignored.*
    Such as the following pieces of real journalism:
    • Headline: “Oregon man pinned under tractor saved by teen daughters.”
    Jeff Smith’s boot slipped off the clutch of his tractor in mid-April and the 3,000-pound implement flipped on top of him, pinning him to the ground.
    “I was losing more and more breath every time I screamed,” he told The Albany Democrat-Herald.
    His daughters, Hannah, 16, and Haylee, 14, who are obviously from the planet Krypton, heard him and lifted the tractor off him. Lifted. The. Tractor.
    “We just kind of braced ourselves on the tire and just lifted it up,” Hannah told The Democrat-Herald, probably while flexing.
    • Headline: “Iranian scientist claims to have invented ‘time machine.’”
    Twenty-seven-year-old Tehran scientist Ali Razeghi said he has invented the Aryayek Time Traveling Machine, according to The UK Independent. The machine, which can see up to eight years into the future, “with 98 percent accuracy,” is about the size of a PC even though no one has apparently seen it.
    “The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight,” Razeghi told The Independent.
    Yeah, Chinese copyright theft. That’s why your time machine is invisible.
    • Headline: “Beer company offers $1 million for safe capture of Bigfoot.”
    Olympia Beer, originally from Tumwater, Wash., has put up a pretty safe bet with this offer, seeing as no one has ever captured the legendary Bigfoot, or still drinks Olympia Beer.
    “Olympia Beer and Bigfoot have been leaving footprints together in the Pacific Northwest since 1896,” the company told KCPQ-TV, Seattle. “We have been sharing the same back yard for over a century, and we believe it’s time to do what has never been done.”
    Among the stipulations is that during the live capture of this eight-foot-tall, 500-pound, tree-snapping beast, you can’t hurt it. According to the company, hunters can’t use “guns/knives/boxing gloves/nets/etc., only sugar or sweets to lure him in.” (I guess Olympia Beer won’t do the trick.) Also, you need to register with the company first. So, no nabbing Sasquatch without filling out the proper paperwork, guys.
    And, on the lighter side:
    • Headline: “Hawking Gives Humans 1,000 Years to Escape Earth.”
    Apparently, the human race is doomed.
    Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, best known for being smarter than the entire population of the contiguous United States wrapped in bacon and deep fried, recently told a gathering of scientists in Los Angeles we’re killing the planet and, as a race, we’re completely screwed.
    Page 2 of 2 - His solution? Be William Shatner. That should be everyone’s solution.
    “We must continue to go into space for humanity,” Hawking said. “We won’t survive another 1,000 years without escaping our fragile planet.”
    Stephen Hawking, Debbie Downer.
    * Well, unless the body was floating in the air. Let me check. Ah, no. In water. Boring.
    Follow Jason Offutt on Twitter @TheJasonOffutt.
     
     

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