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Examiner
  • Jason Offutt: Ripped from the headlines: dumb and doom

  •  Actual news headline: “Texas apartment to track dog poop offenders using DNA.

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  •  Actual news headline: “Texas apartment to track dog poop offenders using DNA.”
    Apparently an apartment complex owner in Plano, Texas (official city motto: Dog poop is icky) has declared war on dogs doing what dogs doo. Uh, do. Living in the rural Midwest (official regional motto: If you don’t want to step in poop, don’t walk), this problem, complete with a $250 fine, has an easy solution for the apartment owner. Don’t allow pets.
    But we’re not talking rational thought, here. We’re talking today’s America, and there’s nothing rational about it. There seems to be such a need to match dog poop to the dog that pooped it, a company called PooPrints exists for only that reason.
    Hmm, maybe putting that whole DNA testing effort into something a little less serious, like helping out law enforcement, might be cool, too.
    Hello, and welcome to the improbable world of reality. A world where an elementary school can limit the time parents can have access to their children. The Clovercroft Elementary School in Franklin, Tenn., recently told parents they can only come into the school to see THEIR OWN CHILD twice every nine weeks.
    This is where we as a society stand – on the shoulders of morons. There are important things in this world that slip by unnoticed while most of us are worried about things like this: “New York soda ban approved: Board of Health OKs limiting sale of large-sized, sugary drinks.”
    I can drink what I want, thank you. And so can you. I don’t remember the quote, and I don’t remember who said it, but it went something like this: We need the Cold War. If we don’t have an enemy, we’ll turn on each other.
    Well, the Cold War’s been gone long enough that it’s happened. Most people aren’t out there saving the poor or the hungry, they’re not going back to the moon, and they must not be doing anything too important because some of them are overly worried about dog poop.
    Six more news headlines that signal the end of Western civilization:
    6. League fines 49ers RB $10K for wearing socks too low.
    OK, I get this. There’s a uniform code. But $10,000 for short socks? How much would the fine have been if he’d worn the other team’s uniform? Not important.
    5. Bill proposed in Oregon would make cigarettes prescription-only drugs.
    Seriously? What doctor would prescribe cigarettes, and what would he prescribe them for? Relaxing after sex? This headline is better when you couple it with the following headline on the same page:
    4. Study: Smoking shortens life span by at least 10 years.
    Page 2 of 2 - Duh.
    3. Man who shot dogs mauling child faces gun charges.
    Hmm, kill the pit bulls with my home-safety device, or let them eat this 11-year-old? Tough choice. Why is this an issue?
    2. Indiana girl, 16, allegedly drives 60 miles in pickup truck to beat up another girl over Facebook insults.
    Facebook transcript
    Girl 1: You’re stupid.
    Girl 2: No, you’re stupid.
    Girl 1: You’re stupider.
    Girl 2: No, you’re stupider.
    Girl 1: Well, you’re butt’s’ big.
    Girl 2: It’s on.
    1. Naked man poops, goes on rampage inside SW Florida home.
    Yeah, we’re doomed.
    Follow Jason Offutt on Twitter @TheJasonOffutt.
     
     
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