“Hey Ma, it’s me,” I said to my mother over the phone.

“What’s wrong?” she said. “You sound like something’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong. Besides, how can you tell from one sentence if something’s wrong?”

“A mother knows.”

“There’s nothing wrong,” I said. “I was actually calling to let you know I’m having minor knee surgery on Friday.”

“You’re getting a free surgery?”

“No. Not free. KNEE.”

“What’s wrong with your knee?”

“I need a knee replacement.”

“And it’s free?” she asked.

“No. It’s not free. Nothing is free. I just wanted to let you know I’m having surgery.”

“See! I knew there was something wrong.”

“It’s not a big deal. It’s just a knee.”

“So why do you need a new knee?”

“I have no more cartilage in my right knee.”

“You have a cartridge in your right knee?”

“No. Not a cartridge. CART-I-LAGE.”

“You don’t have to yell; I can hear you. You’re getting a cartilage replacement in your knee.”
“No. Not a cartilage replacement,” I said. “A new knee joint.”

“How do I know what the point is?” she said.

“The point of what?”

“A new knee.”

“I said JOINT. Not point.”

“Oh. Is it both knees?”

“No, just the right one.”

“Well, it wouldn’t make sense to do the wrong one, would it?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“You know, I’m sure your dad wants to hear all about this. Hold on while I put you on speaker.”

“Noooo, not the speak…”

“I’m here,” said my dad.

“Hi Dad.”

“Tracy’s getting a new knee,” said my mom.

“What’s wrong with the old one?” he asked.

“She ran out of cartridges,” said my mom. “But they have more and it’s going to be free.”

“What’s going to be free?” asked my dad.

“Her new knee.”

“That’s great! Hey Trace, I’m having trouble with my hips,” said my dad. “Do you think you could get your doctor to give me new hips for free?”

“What’s wrong with your lips?” asked my mom.

“HIPS!” yelled my dad and I at the same time.
“Hey mom, I don’t think the surgery will be free, but maybe we can get a two-fer.”

“What’s a two-fer?” she asked.

“Two surgeries for the price of one.”

“Why do you need two surgeries?”

“One for me and one for you.”

“What do I need?”

“New ears.”
For more Lost in Suburbia, Follow Tracy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/LostinSuburbiaFanPage and Twitter @TracyBeckerman.