How do I put all this without thoroughly offending half the world? However, she cried, shaking her wooden leg, I’m Australian, so we’re usually forgiven for being an incredibly friendly, albeit brutally frank, race of people. So do buck up, old beans, and go with the flow and don’t climb onto those high horses lest you get a nosebleed from being up in the rarefied air.

You would think by the time I got to this ripish oldish age, I would’ve learned that “if it looks too good to be true it usually is.” And yet, there I was, gullible to the last and fell for advertising. This particular ad was for a new brilliant sports bra for people endowed with a goodly amount of busty substances. I think, if I remember correctly, it quaintly referred to “large chests.” It promised evenness; better lift and separation; no bulgy bits; comfort, and of course, style.

So I – who had evidently not sufficiently erased the “sucker” tattoo from my forehead – went ahead and ordered one. Well, truth be known, three, as that was the only way they were being marketed.

Do you think the price of $24.95 for three bras set off any bells in my scrambled brain? Oh heavens no! Where would the story be if that had happened? I’m telling you now, I only put myself through this amount of inconvenience just so I have column material for you.

I waited interminably for China Post to get my goods moving, and got quite excited when after many weeks of waiting, there seemed to have been some progress. I cunningly copied and pasted the Chinese characters from the CP website into an online translator, only to find myself somewhat deflated, if you will pardon the pun, when the translation read “empty bag.”

Happy Thanksgiving! I was becoming quite philosophical about kissing my $24.95 ta-ta, but then the package arrived.

My initial reaction was that they didn’t really look like what I had in mind, but I tried one on anyway. Now this is where I may in fact offend, as goodness knows I can’t possibly have done so yet ...

OK, imagine a “large chest” being encased in a bag of material that fits just fine, but has an insert that I can only describe as a cup from a training bra. “Walnut-sized” springs to mind. A watermelon trying to be fronted by a mango skin, shall we say? Or an athletic support which could only support part of the frank and only one of the beans – if you catch my drift.

To add insult to injury, the insert was vaguely triangular in shape, where to be honest, I am not. It was all very puzzling. Oh well. No worries, mate. I wore it, I washed it – only to find that walnut insert A had migrated through osmosis to walnut insert B, thus leaving cup A bereft and cup B over-inserted.

Render one over the shoulder boulder holster to the trash. The other two are pending.

Annie Dear lives in Lee’s Summit. Email her at anniedearkc@hotmail.com.