Happy New Year, gentle readers. May everything good, happy, joyful and colorful fill the next 12 months for you.
I am not one to make resolutions, as I invariably break them anyway, but this year I would like to put forth my Wish List for 2019. And so, with a nod to Monty Python, and to my oldest friend in the world, ESM Esq., here goes.
My Wish List for 2019 (er-hem), by A. Dear (Miss):
First I would like to ask Spellcheck to stop wanting me to put a question mark after the last word in the first sentence of this here column. It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, and your blue squiggly line just frankly annoys the pants off me.
I would very much like both sides of the halfway house known as the U.S. Congress to stop silly-buggering around and actually achieve something this year. If I worked like some members of this august body, I would be out on my shell-like ear within a month and getting in line at the unemployment office. I would like to remind the honorable – what a laugh – members that it is we – as in We the People – who pay your bloated salaries and pensions, and you’d better get on the stick pretty jolly smartly.
I would like world leaders to stop waving around their unmentionable appendages in the seemingly never-ending game of “my (fill in the blank) is bigger than your (fill in the blank).” Enough, already. Just stop it, or it’s the Naughty Step for you, lads.
I would like journalists to remember what you were taught back in college and report the where, what, when, why and who accurately and without imposing your personalized slant on everything. I would like the big-wigs in the media to also pull in their respective heads and stop dictating the slants which must be adopted. I don’t give a toss what you want or which way you think things should go. Just give me the facts, and believe me, I’m big enough and ugly enough to work it out on my own – just like the majority of the populace.
I would like the Me Too movement to become the All of Us Too movement. I mean, I know they can be irritating in not being able to find their own socks, or in being profoundly selectively deaf at times, but come on, girls. Men do have their uses. If you personally have no use for them, fine and dandy, but do stop insisting I should run around with castrating shears at the shopping mall in case I come across a bloke who I perceive to have an attitude. I’d like to think I’m more tolerant than that.
I would like the citizenry of Kansas City in particular, and the rest of the country in general, to stop shooting each other.
Let’s all aim for world peace shall we? One neighbor at a time – the ripple effect will take care of the rest.
And that, er-hem, is the end of my Wish List.
Annie Dear lives in Lee’s Summit. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.