I thought, in doing a public service, that I would update you on the quantity and quality of my junk mail folder.

As you know, if you’ve been following me these past 20 years, I have been offered I would say in excess of the national debt in funds if I would only part with my name, address, telephone number, Social Security number, distinguishing marks and first-born child. This would therefore help out the scammer by offering a safe haven for a percentage of the promised wealth to save the usually cancer-ridden or recently widowed scammer, his grandmother or maiden aunt.

I can assure you I have not divulged any of the required information, and the thought of handing over my darling Madam to unscrupulous persons of nefarious character turns my heart to stone. Never fear darling, I will not sell you on the junk mail black market, I promise, no matter how many millions I am offered.

But wait! There’s a new kid in town evidently wanting to distance himself from the old tried-and-not-true method of appealing to the scammee’s sympathetic side. This little treasure is not trying to make you feel warm and fuzzy about yourself; he is quite frankly attempting blackmail.

According to the, on average, 10 emails per day leaping into my work junk email box, I apparently have been quite a naughty person, and the scammer has video proof of me doing unspeakable things to myself while I surf porn on the internet while I’m at the office. Now being in an open plan office with my computer screens in full view of everyone, I would have to say I am unbelievably bold, wouldn’t you?

He goes onto reveal to me he’s hacked into my computer and knows my password – which he tells me is “never”. I am then sternly warned that he’s installed viruses in my computer which have taken on Superman qualities and, no matter the amount of spyware or malware protection I have, his virus thumbs its nose and does a goodly amount of nya-na-ni-na-na at my pathetic little machine.

Quite cunningly, I thought, he manages to send each of these emails showing my own email address as his, so there is no way to track him down. If I try to defy him, he will circulate the salacious video to all of my contacts, the pope, POTUS, Mahatma Gandhi’s ghost, my parents and anyone else of importance. In order to rid myself of this nuisance all I have to do is deposit a quantity – it varies per email – of bitcoins into his account.

I know in a rather existential way that bitcoins exist, but otherwise know exactly diddly-squat about them. I now discover upon research that one is worth $US4,002.74, so I guess rushing off to the grocery store with one to pay for the bread and milk will send the cashier into a bit of a spin while I’m waiting for my $3,927.43 in change. Other than that I’m not terribly sure what they’re good for.

Ooh, ooh, I know! I must set up my own get-rich-quick scheme. I will invent AnnieDearFunnyMoney and put it on the stock exchange. See if anyone bites.

Annie Dear lives in Lee’s Summit. Email her at anniedearkc@hotmail.com.