I don’t like a lot of things scientists say. Like exercise is good for you, there is no advanced human civilization at the center of the Earth, stop sneaking around my yard at night or I’ll call the cops.

Where do they get off? Like I’m the one responsible for setting fire to that shed.

So, I was hit with conflicting emotions by a recent scientific announcement that encouraged my boyish imagination while it ignited my paranoia to a level I hadn’t experienced since the last presidential election.

Short story, humans are either destined to become the ultimate masters of the universe, or we’re going to kill ourselves in an epic meltdown.

Stop me if you’ve seen this movie.

Russian and Japanese researchers, who’ve probably also had problems with what I’m calling Spontaneous Scientist Shed Combustion, have revived cells from a 28,000-year-old mammoth that had been flash-frozen in Russian permafrost.

On a side note, Russian Permafrost sounds like an expensive shampoo for ladies with curly gray hair.

The German news agency Deutsche Welle reports cell nuclei from a juvenile mammoth grew after it was “successfully implanted in mouse cells.”

Wait. Mouse cells?

When a fellow scientist suggested the mammoth-to-mouse process, Professor Kei Miyamoto reportedly screamed, “Are you crazy?” before slapping his colleague across the mouth and setting fire to his shed. (I completely made this up, but it should have happened.)

What Miyamoto really said was, “this is a major development."

Major development? I’ve seen a beagle pregnant with Great Dane pups. That is a major development. I don’t want to think about that poor mouse.

Mad Scientist Dating Game

Emcee: Welcome to the show. Tonight, we have a country mouse, a city mouse and a spot welder. They’re working class and she’s a single mom. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s welcome our contestants.

Bachelor No. 1: (Coughs into paw) I don’t have a lot of formal education, but I’m well read.

Bachelor No. 2: Baby, back home I’ve got the bottom of a box of Franzia and a half tin of brie waiting for you.

Bachelor No. 3: I’m nothing special, I just love kids.

Bachelorette: Well, I’m a Pisces. I enjoy movies, long walks in the cornfield, I was involved in a controversial scientific experiment and I love my baby boy. He’s 11-feet-tall at the shoulders.


The next step for the scientific team is to revive extinct animal cells to the point they can bring back a dead species in the next few decades. Why?

Admittedly, woo;ly mammoths aren’t on the same danger-level as the velociraptors from “Jurassic Park,” but I’ve hit a deer with my car and they’re only 150 pounds. Wooly mammoths weigh six metric tons, which has to be at least twice that.

I don’t do math.

What’s going to happen when these enormous, long-dead creatures escape their lab/park/ rest home? And they will escape. Every monster movie ever made had taught me this. How are we going to protect ourselves?

That leads us to the long story, which I don’t have, although I do have a list of scientists’ sheds if nobody has anything to do tomorrow.