You occasionally come across a snippet in the press that results in your requiring a quick bit of plastic surgery to repair your jaw – it having fallen heavily upon a solid surface upon hearing the news.
To protect the “innocent (until proved terminally stupid),” real names have been omitted from this text, but I’m sure, with a little bit of thought, you will be able to unravel my appellations without too much brain strain.
The star of the escapade is indeed one of the Hollywood variety, having appeared in several movies but none that I can recall of late, and his co-star is a bimb – er – girlfriend of some 12-months’ standing. Having evidently been just a tad over-refreshed while enjoying a trip to Vegas, our bimb – er – girlfriend suggested they get married.
So what did our star do? No doubt slurring the odd “why not,” Tinbum Aviary took himself and aforementioned bimb – er – girlfriend off to the court, grabbed a “fill in the blanks” marriage license, no doubt available on the stand along with the brochures of “Things to See & Do in Las Vegas,” headed to the nearest wedding chapel and tied the knot.
Under the affluence of alcohol, Tinbum – taking four days to come to a staggering realization – concluded that this had been a bit of a mistake and requested an annulment, and if that wasn’t possible, a divorce would do.
Given his track record in the marriage department – this is his fourth – one would think he might have worked it out that this blessed state was not indeed for him, but there’s no telling what momentary love, an overabundance of tequila shots and the sudden urge for publicity will do to one’s brain cells.
I’m wondering what “the morning after” was like when he came to, looked at the person (presumably) in bed with him and being mighty surprised to see this apparition, cautiously asked “what was your name again?,” “who the hell are you?” and other words to that effect.
He has since stated that not only was he just a tad tipsy, she had not “disclosed her full criminal history” – evidently knowing just a bit of it was OK prior to this – and therefore the marriage should be called a bit of a woopsie and everyone could just forget about it, block it out of their minds and move merrily along.
Yes, well our makeup artist bimb – er – girlfriend is wagging her finger and stating “nay, nay” in the strongest possible terms, and has stated she demands spousal support. According to her, she has “lost career opportunities during the relationship as a result of her damaged reputation.”
Oh please let me be there if this goes to court. I can’t promise complete silence, but I will do my absolute utmost not to bust a foofer valve trying to contain my guffawing. I believe these two have the combined IQ of my left elbow, and a mental age of 12 when it comes to anything remotely associated with grown-upedness.
As they say – you can’t fix stupid.
Annie Dear lives in Lee’s Summit. Email her at email@example.com.