It’s not quite mid-2019 and nearly everyone from the cast of (insert name of any James Franco/Seth Rogan stoner movie) has announced they’re running for president.
Good for them. If there’s one thing American politics doesn’t need is a return to normalcy.
We had normal presidents once, way back in the fuzzy, Cocoa Puffs-infused memories of my childhood. Then America went off the rails and started electing people most probably by the way they combed their hair.
Forward-thinking individuals in the United Kingdom began working for sanity in politics in the 1980s by establishing the Monster Raving Loony Party. Loonies stood for lowering the voting age to 18, abolishing dog licenses and allowing pubs to be open all day. Even though all of these Loony bits made it into British law, it’s a shame no Monster Raving Loony candidate has ever been elected to Parliament.
However, Ukraine, sandwiched between Belarus and Romania, got this whole election thing right. Voters have elected Volodymyr Zelenskiy, a comedic actor who played a history teacher who accidentally became president in the TV show “Servant of the People.” Things can become whacky when your country is sandwiched between Belarus (where a massage can mean stripping down and allowing a stranger to beat you with sticks) and Romania (where the game Scrabble is illegal).
Zelenskiy’s win was no accident. He defeated the incumbent President Petro Poroshenko by 73 percent of the vote to 25. The other 2 percent of Ukrainian voters apparently thought it was 1962 and wrote in Nikita Khrushchev.
America, it seems, is far behind Europe when it comes to choosing respectable leaders (as another example, in June 1987, Italian voters elected Hungarian adult film star Ilona Staller to serve in Parliament – she was there five years).
That’s why I’ve decided to kick America in the pants by announcing my candidacy for president. Oh, sure. I’m no Hungarian adult movie star or Ukrainian TV comic, but I am a monster raving loony, so I’m just what this country needs.
All I have to do now is fill out a tremendous amount of paperwork.
Obligatory Time-Wasting Form 437E
Party Affiliation: Costume, or maybe Rave. Depends on my mood.
Platform: I prefer OSX for Mac.
Positions: Lotus, downward dog, warrior, asleep on couch.
Campaign Finance Plan: 2020 tax refund.
How does candidate stand on:
• The Wall: It’s not Pink Floyd’s best album, but it’s in my top four.
• Space Force: Some people call me the Space Cowboy. Some call me the Gangster of Love.
• Department of Homeland Security Spending: A few more “no trespassing” signs should take care of everything.
• Free health care: We already have free health care for nearly half the population. If the other half would treat health issues like men do and ignore them until the funeral, this issue takes care of itself.
• Foreign policy: Florida Man should be treated like everybody else.
I give up. Running for president is hard.
Jason Offutt’s newest book, “Chasing American Monsters,” is available at amazon.com.