If you’ve been following my American journey over the last 20 years, you will have come to know and love my Sir. His antics have, for the most part, left me at the very least giggling, and at worst, peeing the odd panty with mirth.
Over our time together, he has channeled a number of Hollywood stars. He can get all terribly John Wayne when it comes to defending the property from recalcitrant geese, and he can go all Jimmy Stewart in the heart-rending department of seeing a golfer, a football or baseball team, or any other random athlete win – he gets quite teared up. And I’m sure Arnold Schwarzenegger shows up when he strides purposefully out of the house for a golf rendezvous when he intones “I’ll be back.”
More often than I would like, he goes terribly Jackie Gleason, a.k.a. Ralph Kramden, on me, and does his best impersonation by jabbing his forefinger in his chest while bellowing about some perceived slight on my part, and no matter what he says, all I hear is “Now let’s get something straight, right here, right now. I’m the captain of this ship! You are but a lowly third-class seaman, that’s all you are. To the moon, Alice. Zing, zoom.” It’s at this point that I walk out of the room, muttering under my breath such imprecations as “blow it out your shorts.” Thankfully, after a day or so of a bit of a pout, he’s back to his sunny self – and I say thankfully, because I have a skillet with his name on it if it were otherwise.
But, ladies and gentlemen, a new star is born. Yes, meet my Sir – Judy Garland.
He read in the paper the other day that chocolate cake is perfectly fine for breakfast. Well, stand back and applaud. Here comes Miss Dorothy!
“Cake and coffee and juice, oh my,” he gleefully intones. In his best falsetto, he continues “I’m coming downstairs, I’m gonna eat cake, I’m happy and gayyyyyyy.”
Naturally I had to do a little research to confirm this finding – not of course for a moment doubting my (terminally sweet-toothed) Sir at all.
According to scientists at Tel Aviv University, it has been proclaimed that those who eat chocolate and or dessert at breakfast time, along with proteins and carbs, are less likely to crave sweets later in the day and will thus be more able to lose weight than those on lo-carb (lo-taste, lo-interest, lo-capable of sustaining) kale-filled diets.
It’s even said that two bars of chocolate a day “lowers risk of stroke and heart disease”.
Well, let me tell you, he’s in ruby-slippered heaven. He’s positively skipping around the joint, and when I venture forth to the grocery store, he reminds me to buy cake.
I am beginning to suspect the tract of 291 between our house and the grocery store is indeed paved with yellow bricks, and woe betide any winged-monkeys or wicked witches of the west who get in our way.
Annie Dear lives in Lee’s Summit. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.