Our recycling center makes it easy for people to dump their reusable garbage.
You got boxes, aluminum, glass? They take it all. The big metal bin for glass bottles has an opening so big drivers can toss beer bottles in as they drive by. However, much like toilets in homes with more than one male, no one seems to hit the hole.
Come on, people. If you put as much effort into recycling as you do in your Netflix “to watch” list, dinosaurs would come back.
Recycling makes hippies happy, hipsters happy and presidential candidates happy (although the candidates are too busy flying on private jets to $1,000-per-plate fundraising dinners to make a formal announcement on the Jones’ family effort to save the environment).
While taking our bin to the recycling center, a revelation came to me. No wonder recycling used items is important – everything in the world is used.
We breathe used air, drink used water, drive vehicles made from used ore and powered by Jurassic plankton while looking through a windshield made of used sand.
Houses are made from used trees made from used seeds, roads are made from used boulders, shirts are made from used plants, belts are made from used cows and babies are made of used DNA.
Even our ideas are used.
I’m surprised people don’t keep a recycling bin next to their toilets so they can recycle used toilet paper. Of course, that would cause other problems. Every time Amazon delivered a package you’d have to wonder what that recycled box is made from.
Me: Hey. That box is made from 100 percent recycled paper. Why’s it moving?
You: I gave it to Little Johnny to play in.
Me: Yeah, you might want to give him a bath. Is he up on his shots?
A great place to find good used things is a thrift shop, which is usually housed in a used building constructed with bricks made from used clay and sand. Thrift shops offer used furniture (made from used wood), used clothing (made from used polyester, a synthetic fabric made from used things I can’t pronounce), used record albums (made from used crude oil), and used electronics (made from used magic).
I have thrift shop clothes. The only thing that worries me with used clothing, apart from the fact that big lapels aren’t in this year, is the pants. Someone wore these pants before me. What did they do in them?
Did someone fall in love while wearing these pants? Did they rob a liquor store? Did they witness a biblical miracle? Did they get involved in a gang fight? And, if not, what’s this big red stain?
Our food is also used. Bacon is made from used pig. Nuggets are made from used chickens. Ice cream is made from used milk. Raisins are made from used grapes. Tea is made from used leaves.
And beer? It’s made from used water and used barley and when consumed turns into a used product itself. That product is called Coors.
Jason Offutt’s newest book, “Chasing American Monsters: 251 Creatures, Cryptids, and Hairy Beasts,” is available at jasonoffutt.com.