I re-read the Constitution. I’m old enough, and this morning I still had a pulse. So, like everyone else, I’m running for president.
As with everyone else, it probably won’t do any good, but it’ll make me feel better.
I have consulted a focus group consisting of me and then drafted – nay, wordsmithed and curated – a platform around the compelling questions of the day, the down-to-earth quality-of-life issues. Chief among them:
• We’re going to fix baseball. That’s a tall order, but I figure if baseball can be reformed, everything else falls into place. Start by getting games back less than three hours. Call the high strike for heaven’s sake. Also, ban $9 beers and co-branded collectibles. Day games on weekends only. Maybe free hot dogs. What other pointless promises feel good? Feel free to call in. Help me in my pathetic pandering.
• I believe in free speech. A lot. So I’m only suggesting – OK, strongly suggesting – a 10-year moratorium on fossil rock, classic rock but also any country music written after Merle sang “Big City.” Seriously, friends, they have made newer and infinitely better music since 1978. And these days some of it has lyrics you can understand. Besides, we’re talking about Boston, Foghat and Foreigner. What are we clinging to?
• GIF gets a hard “g.” The end.
• The entire suite of “Schoolhouse Rock” – from “Conjunction Junction” to “I’m Just a Bill” – will air around the clock until we’ve all had a good refresher on both civics and good English. Yes, there is such a thing as good, clear and well-constructed English. That uncapitalized, stream-of-consciousness thing you’re doing on Facebook probably ain’t it.
I don’t want to be cast as an another desperate vote-seeker promising the return to a glorious and largely fictional past. As John Wayne said, things change, usually for the better.
But not always. We are stuck with “gift” as a verb, “reno” as some sort of painful noun and whatever “proactive” is supposed to mean. I’m running for president, not czar of the words, which would be a far tougher gig.
Let’s see. There must be more. Oh yeah – work with our allies, oppose our enemies, uphold the rule of law, treat people with respect, and acknowledge that, as the Good Book says, “a gentle answer turns away wrath,” meaning that just sometimes the polite remark is also the appropriate remark.
But all of that goes without saying, right?
Jeff Fox is The Examiner’s editor. Reach him at 816-350-6365 or firstname.lastname@example.org. He’s on Twitter at @FoxEJC.