It finally happened. I went to sleep feeling normal and woke up with one limb not functioning properly.
My walk, more of a left leg shuffle, is a mix of Festus and Barbie. Festus, in case you don't know or remember, is the guy who walked with a limp on “Gunsmoke,” and Barbie’s leg can easily pop out of its socket.
I decided to fix it myself, like any self-analyzing, self-prescribing person does, and asked my guy (who does claim to be able to fix everything) to pull on my leg in case it was out of place. He did and for about 10 steps it felt good until we heard it pop back out again.
The chiropractor sounded like the best solution as, in my book of health, it doesn't matter what ailment I may have, with a snap, crackle and pop, he can usually get me back on track. If your bones aren't lined up like they're supposed to be, your body won't work right. Makes sense to me as there aren't many things in this world that will work right if they're not lined up. If it can be fixed without taking medicine, count me in.
Through the years I've tried it all – meditation, yoga, herbs and sometimes just plain denial – and this could be just another phase in my life of trying alternate methods to keep my body functional.
When the kids were little I used a lot of motherly hypnosis. I'd send them off to school and tell them not to think about being sick but to think about how good they felt. After I retrieved them several times from the nurses’ room with their heads dangling over a trash can, I gave up on that method.
I also came up with my own remedies for hiccups, stomachaches and headaches and, I should add, they really do work.
When someone has the hiccups and you them tell to hiccup on command, they will stop. I point my finger and tell them, if you hiccup as soon as my finger hits the table, I will pay you five dollars. Slowly, I lower my finger, as they watch intently, until my finger is finally resting on the table and “ta-da” their hiccups are gone.
The stomach ache and headache remedies aren't as well received. For stomachaches, I have them lay down and relax their stomach muscles while I karate chop (semi-lightly) where the ache seems to be. Makes perfect sense as I can hear globs of stuff rolling around. I figure if I break up the stuff the ache will be gone, one way or another.
My headache remedy is what I like to call the sneak attack. When they say they have a headache I slap them straight on the forehead. Works every time.
I walked out of the chiropractor without the limp but now I have a headache. I slapped my forehead and it didn’t work. Guess I wasn’t sneaky enough.
Sandy Turner lives in Independence. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.