The article on the Flat Earth Theory winked at me. I swear.
I'm a sucker for conspiracies, the bigger the better. The British Royal Family has been infiltrated by reptilian extraterrestrials? Sure. Why not? Hitler is alive in a secret Antarctic Nazi base waiting for Planet X to be in retrograde to start World War III? Yeah. I can see that. Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone --
Shut up. Stop lying.
So, the headline from Live Science, "What if the Earth was flat?" sat on my computer screen with a come-hither look. I had to click on it.
Humans have known the Earth is round since Greek philosopher Aristotle figured it out more than 2,000 years ago.
Aristotle: Our observations of the stars make it evident the Earth is circular.
Early Flat Earther: Then why doesn't the water all drain to the bottom?
Aristotle: Because your face is stupid and I hate you.
Contrary to popular belief, Aristotle was terrible at debate.
So, why now? Why are people considering a Flat Earth when everything spouted by science about it – literally everything – proves the Earth is round?
Because this is the end times, my friends. Oh, I don't mean in a biblical way, I simply mean our society as a whole is doomed.
A YouGov poll shows 2 percent of the American population believes the Earth is flat. That's 6,514,400 people who probably graduated high school.
You know what else is roughly 6.5 million people? The population of El Salvador. The equivalent of a sovereign nation lives, breathes, works, contributes and unfortunately breeds within our borders and is apparently allergic to believing anything that's not on YouTube.
The Flat Earth Society recently made the news, not because anything Flat Earthers said finally made sense (like Australia doesn't exist), but because it held its annual Flat Earth International Conference in Dallas. Surprisingly, at least to the society, Flat Earthers from Australia attended. Apparently they were branded actors hired by NASA to perpetuate the Down Under Hoax.
Flat Earthers believe this planet, and only this planet, is a disc covered by a dome (the rest of the planets in our solar system, for some reason, are round), the sun is as large as it appears in the sky, there's an ice wall (like in "Game of Thrones") surrounding the disk and the moon landing never happened (hey, conspiracy theorists, this is a two-for-one).
Celebrity endorsers of the Flat Earth Theory include musician Thomas Dolby, basketball great Shaquille O'Neal, rapper B.o.B. and reality TV person Tila Tequila. Members of Mensa, each and every one.
However, it's not the believers who are a threat to society.
According to the Live Science article, "To flatten Earth without spinning it very rapidly, you'd need magic."
Seriously? That's part of the science argument? They think magic is going to deter people who don't believe in gravity?
This is why our society is in trouble. The smart ones are arguing with the stupid ones. It's the same thing that happened to the larger-brain Neanderthals when confronted by the smaller-brain Homo sapiens, and you know how it worked out for them.
Jason Offutt’s newest book, “Chasing American Monsters: 251 Creatures, Cryptids, and Hairy Beasts,” is available at jasonoffutt.com.