Well, Merry Christmas, dear readers. Happy Hanukkah, Beloved Kwanza, and Cheery Holidays to you all.

My, doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun? Or are you?

Or are you suffering from the TP/Chip dilemma which plagues us all this time of year?

I would like to meet the evil elf whose life quest is to systematically bash packs of chips into pretty much inedible morsels – certainly at the bottom of the pack, but I’ve noticed recently the top of the pack is not looking much more whole than the bottom.

I’m sure this has rained down stress on a lot of holiday makers, and I will make it my quest to take our grievances to the manufacturers. The elf has to go, or we will. I will be the modern-day suffragette on behalf of you all, and will get to the (whole chip) bottom of the dilemma for you. Stay tuned in 2020 for more updates.

And now to the contentious issue of the humble toilet roll. I’ve become a bit of a crusader on this matter, and have studied it at length.

If you install cheap and cheerful loo paper, you can rest assured that the evil elf which dwells within each of us will use twice as much as necessary, in order to create the cushy comfort and absorbance of a better-quality product. So, you see, your economy is of the false variety, and I urge you to cut it out, open up the wallet and spring for more springy results.

Public loos are the absolute worst, and provide you with a bathroom tissue that cannot even live up to its name. It’s tantamount to offering up a small square of the London Financial times – tissue thin, indeed, and about as useful as a fish on a bicycle. I will, I assure you, use approximately eight times the necessary amount to teach you all a lesson. I hope you go now and think of what you’ve done to your raw-bottomed and less than stellar in the cleanliness department patrons.

And to all of you. Believe me when I tell you I have indeed done a study. Even if you buy the top-quality TP, if you hang the roll so you have to pull the sheet from under the roll, you are wasting money. In order to pull three small sheets, you end up with at least 5 or 6, and re-rolling backward just never works, now does it?

No, no, dear people. Let’s make 2020 the Year of the Top Rolling TP.

I’m sure I have a number of friends who wonder about the furtive elf who has snuck into the house and changed the direction of the toot paper. I confess, it was I. I blush to admit – but you cannot have your house guests driven to distraction by the direction thereof.

No, no, dear reader. It’s over the top for me in 2020. Preferably squeezable, possibly quilted – but there’s no substitution for quality, now is there?

Merry Christmas dear hearts – happy rolling.

Annie Dear lives in Lee’s Summit. Email her at anniedearkc@hotmail.com.