It’s getting so we can’t go outside anymore. With the Zika virus transmitted by our friendly neighborhood mosquitoes, maniac drivers who don’t understand four-way stops (it’s not that hard, people) and the ever-increasing bear infestation, the world beyond our front door is a dangerous place.

Wait. What? Bears? Surely I’m safe walking to the grocery store. I don’t have to worry about bears ransacking my canvas tote bag for chickpeas, do I?

Yes, you do. Shut up. I’ve warned you about bears before. Bears are everywhere.


There are bears in Yellowstone, bears in Jellystone, bears in Missouri and there are bears in higher education.

Sheriff’s deputies patrolling Mission College in Los Angeles April 26 spotted a black bear wandering the campus, according to After determining the bear wasn’t enrolled in classes, the deputies followed it into the backyard of a nearby home.

The Los Angeles Police Department quickly dispatched a game warden who used a dart to tranquilize the animal. If the bear had been enrolled in classes, the warden said he would have used Jäger Bombs.

The lesson here is there are leash laws for a reason. No, wait. That’s not it. The lesson is the animal kingdom wants us dead. If bears are wandering college campuses, no one is safe. Especially Californians.

Or maybe Texans.

If a normal person were to make a list of wild animals Americans shouldn’t have to worry about, lions would be on that list. As would the Cape buffalo, the die-if-you-touch-me box jellyfish, sharks and those ant swarms from old jungle movies. I’d put tigers pretty high on that list, too.

I’d also be wrong and therefore eaten.

On April 22, in the Houston suburb of Conroe, police received calls of a Tigger wandering the Coral Cove Pass subdivision, according to After several oohs and ahs of parents wanting to take the little cat home to their toddler, the dispatcher assured them Tigger was simply a typo and the beast in question was, in fact, a tiger.

Tigger is a stuffed animal friend of Winnie the Pooh. A tiger is an 8- to 13-foot-long, 600-pound mass of flesh-rending muscle native to Asia.

Police captured the tiger before it had swallowed the estimated 5,962,416 people who live in the Houston metropolitan area. It was only a matter of time.

Let’s move to an even larger population.

New York City is not immune to things like vampires, underground cannibals and Arnold Schwarzenegger fighting Satan, but I expect to find these things in the Big Apple. What I don’t expect are alligators, especially not out of the sewer.

On April 26, while investigating a string of missing hookers (I don’t know this for sure. I just assumed because it’s New York) Long Island police discovered a “deadly” alligator on a man’s property and charged him with being stupid.

“Alligators do not make good pets,” the local head of the ASPCA told Fox News. “Alligators will bite the hand that feeds them.”

Ha. Ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. You keep being pithy, animal boy. Nature is not a joke.

So stay off the streets and in your homes where you belong, folks. The outside is scary.

Coming soon: “The Top 10 Ways Staying Indoors Will Kill You.”

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