There are a lot of benefits to growing older.
At least that’s what the magazine article said. And even though I read the article, I’m not sure what these benefits are. I am, however, convinced there are some and my total lack of remembering comes from an age-related mental lapse.
I’m OK with that. That same lapse gets me out of trouble when my wife asks if I’ve gotten around to looking at that lamp/drawer/newel post she asked me to fix six months ago. Wink, wink.
To be fair, it usually takes six months for a man to work up the energy needed to fix anything around the house. We’re tired, a lot. Mainly because our schedules are so busy. For example:
Monday-Thursday: Get up early even though we stayed up late watching something on TV our wife didn’t want to see, like “Die Hard.”
Friday: Drink too much beer and shout “keep it down” at the college kids across the street.
Saturday: Pretend to work in the garage while secretly listening to a ballgame on the radio.
Sunday: Sit on the couch because this is the designated ballgame-watching day. However, the workout we now get from walking back and forth to the bathroom because of our ever-decreasing bladder strength keeps us from having the energy to fix anything.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Wait. Where was I? Mental lapse? Walking into a bathroom even if we don’t have to go just because we know we’ll be in there soon anyway? My wife’s lamp? The benefits of aging? Oh, yeah, the benefits.
As 53 starts to creep up on me, here are some of benefits of getting older I’ve noticed:
• Pursuing your dreams. What have you always wanted to do in life? Climb Mount Everest (can’t. Bad back)? Sail the world (can’t. Afraid of sharks)? Make it three times around the grocery store during the annual Day Before the Super Bowl Free Sample Extravaganza? Done.
• Anyone older than 50 is expected to hate everything, such as people younger than 50, other people older than 50, people not yet born, people who died before we were born, people who take up the entire aisle at the grocery store to chat with someone they’re going to see Sunday at church, people who don’t use their turn signal and, you know, just people. It’s awesome.
• Wisdom. At a certain point, we should be able to take our lifetime of mistakes, pour what we learned from them into a shot glass and at least get one person buzzed by our knowledge. That rarely works, but our stories are great.
• Senior discounts. What’s good about getting older if we can’t financially benefit from it? The problem is, no place gives discounts where any sane man would want to go. Although I appreciate the fact that there are still seven Arthur Treacher’s Fish and Chips locations in the United States, I’m not sure a trip to the locations in East Islip, New York, or Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, is worth 10 percent off drinks.
And, lastly …
• A sense of accomplishment. A light goes on as we ...
Oh, crap. The light. That’s what I forgot. I’ll work on that lamp soon. After the ballgame. I promise.
– Jason’s newest novel, “Bad Day for the Apocalypse,” is available at jasonoffutt.com.