If the history of the human race has shown us anything, it’s that putting five or more people together results in a decision to make rules no one agrees on.
These people do, however, agree to recruit five more people to form a Rules Committee to settle the matter. This results in generating a massive amount of paperwork the Rules Committee then shoves on the Rules Committee Sub-committee it recruited because it was horribly overworked and late for happy hour.
Consequently, I firmly believe in words like fewer, less and smaller.
Such as, fewer cooks in the kitchen, fewer IRS forms, fewer Netflix Originals starring Adam Sandler, less poverty, less hunger, less social media, smaller government, smaller portions and a smaller number of committees.
It seems like when the word “more” is involved (such as more people who really don’t know what they’re doing), it results in more work for everyone else.
That’s why companies build entire departments to handle problems they created from a complete lack of forethought. Consider the following:
• The Office of Sedentary Employees.
• The Bureau of Regrettable Hirings.
• The Department of Counterproductive Decisions.
• The Center for the Left Hand Not Knowing What the Right Hand is Doing.
• The Coalition of Bureaucratic Nonsense.
• The Division Branch of Repeatable Reoccurring Redundancies.
• The Ministry of Trying to Achieve a Goal the Company Had Already Achieved but Was Erased by the Center for the Left Hand Not Knowing What the Right Hand is Doing So Now We’re Trying Something Completely Different that Probably Won’t Work.
My wife and I spend long walks talking about this very thing and since there are only two of us, we get a lot accomplished.
“Do you think big companies have people whose only responsibility is to completely change things that were already working – you know, just to justify their job?” she asked on our last walk.
Hey, she’s right.
“That would explain a lot of things,” I said.
“I need one of those jobs.”
The way things work in government and corporate America, I’m sure there are plenty of those jobs around.
There are simple ways to curb this propensity we humans have to screw things up, such as:
• Require people in charge to pass a test involving putting blocks in the right shaped holes.
• Revert to the pecking order of high school.
• Solve every dilemma with random chance.
• Forego human leadership altogether and pick another species to run everything. I propose talking apes.
If that doesn’t work, we should turn our government into an actual democracy instead of the republic we currently have. Every person will then need to vote on every single issue, local, state and federal.
This would, of course, be a disaster. The only way to solve this problem would be to name me emperor (I prefer the title Bitchin’ Camaro) and let me call the shots.
I’ll make a lot of illegal things legal, a lot of legal things illegal, make beer our National Beverage of Choice and “Big Trouble in Little China” our National Movie.
And if anyone has a problem with it, that’s cool. Comment cards will be reviewed quarterly. I’ll create a committee for that.
– Jason’s newest novel, “Bad Day for a Road Trip,” is available at jasonoffutt.com.