I woke to find our 4-year-old sleeping on my face.

This isn’t normal and I’m not at all certain how it happened; she usually sleeps in a bed. Oh, sure, sometimes she wakes in her room and makes her way into ours, but this is usually coupled with ripping off our comforter and kicking me in the throat. Traversing the dark hallway and sneaking onto my face without waking me required serious ninja skills I didn’t know she had.

I’m now afraid in my own house.

She stirred after I pushed her off my smashed nose (seriously? How did I stay asleep? This is the sort of sleep people abducted by space aliens claim. Oh, wait. That would explain a lot about my life).

Then she started talking.

The 4-year-old talking in her sleep isn’t new; saying “pepperoni pizza” in her sleep is. That was it. Pepperoni pizza. Once. Then she quieted down and slept some more.

Children are, in a word, weird. How weird? Let’s check out Jason’s Twitter account:

Dec. 9

My wife (brushing our screaming 4-year-old’s mop): You have a raisin in your hair.

Our 4-year-old: Ouch. Ouch. I like having raisins in my hair. Ouch.

Dec. 8

While grading at home today, I remembered why I usually grade at the office. It’s difficult to focus when the 4-year-old is scattering Cheerios like confetti and singing like she really knows the words.

Dec. 2

Our kids just asked “Who’s Mr. T?” What have we done wrong?

Nov. 9

Our 4-year-old asked my wife to help her spell.

My wife: How about ‘stop?’ S-T-O-P.

Our daughter: S-T-Poop-Pee. Then she giggled and ran off.

Oct. 27

Offutt family breakfast discussion: Cannibalism, morality vs. necessity. For the record, we had bacon, eggs and pancakes.

Oct. 30

This morning at breakfast, our 4-year-old basically summed up life: “Some days you need little spoons and some days you need big spoons.” You got that right.

Sept. 8

The little one singing this morning while the storm rolled in:

“It’s gonna be raining,

“It’s gonna be raining,

“It’s gonna be raining…

“With poop.”

No wonder I spend much of my day confused and exhausted. I’m like the co-manager of an impossible job at an understaffed company who sneaks naps in the store room and is sometimes abducted by space aliens.

Wait. Why does that keep coming up?

Later that morning, the 4-year-old and I had an in-depth, heartfelt conversation about boogers and why she doesn’t think wiping them on a tissue and throwing it away is something she’s likely to do in the near future.

“And I like to eat with my mouth open,” she said.

If you haven’t woken to at least one of your children sleeping on your face muttering “pepperoni pizza” in their sleep, debated the merits of cannibalism at breakfast and had at least one discussion about mucus, you’re obviously not parenting right.

– Jason’s newest novel, “Bad Day for a Road Trip,” is available at jasonoffutt.com.