When the Chinese space probe Chang’e 4 landed on the far side of the moon, I expected a whacky space experience like NASA always gives us. You know, land a probe on the least interesting spot of a planet and have it take pictures of dirt.

This is, of course, unfair to NASA. Sometimes our space agency has its planetary probes take pictures of rocks. However, our probes never seek out anything that might wreck the Jet Propulsion Laboratory’s view of the universe, like current signs of life, the Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator, or a Burger King in the Mars Cydonia region.

I’m convinced I saw one in a fuzzy photo. The sign read, “Bacon and Cheese Whopper: $5.19.” NASA blocked my phone calls after that.

Then comes China with its habit of doing whatever the heck China wants. The China National Space Administration (that has yet to block my calls) sent a probe to the side of the moon the rest of the world confuses with Pink Floyd’s eighth studio album, “The Dark Side of the Moon.” There is no actual dark side of the moon on the moon itself, unless Roger Waters and David Gilmour are part of the government’s secret space program. They may be. How should I know? NASA refused to answer that question either.

While China’s there, it decided to one-up everyone by germinating the first seeds on the moon.

What kind of monologuing-mad-scientist-in-a-1950s-take-over-the-universe film decision is that?

“This is the first time humans have done biological growth experiments on the lunar surface,” project leader Xie Gengxin of the Advanced Technology Research Institute at Chongqing University told the U.K.’s Guardian newspaper.

That’s because this is a bad idea. A seriously bad idea. Growing plants on the International Space Station was scary enough, but to grow plants on another solar body is the kind of thing space aliens tried to do on Earth in “The Day of the Triffids.” Things happened in “The Day of the Triffids.” Scary things.

Scientists at the university sent cotton seeds to the moon, along with potato seeds, seeds from a plant in the mustard family, fruit-fly eggs and yeast. What are they trying to create? A salad doomed for a recall notice?

What are cosmic radiation, solar wind and the green cheese makeup of the moon going to do to this organic Earth life? Make it…static…static…static.

Great. Thanks for interrupting, NASA. Have I said too much?

China has planned four more missions to the lunar surface, next up is Chang’e 5 that will bring lunar samples back to Earth and by then the fruit-flies will have gotten into everything.

This is unacceptable.

Do you want super-intelligent moon fly-plants that will someday destroy the earth with their superior cotton underwear and potato skins? Because this is how you get super-intelligent moon fly-plants that will someday destroy the earth with their superior cotton underwear and potato skins.

That’s it. I’m moving underground with the Mole People, or maybe the Morlocks. These space monsters can’t survive without Vitamin D. At least that’s what my tin foil hat tells me.

– Jason’s newest novel, “Bad Day for a Road Trip,” is available at jasonoffutt.com.