Speculative fiction writers have predicted how our world may someday look since 1826 when author Mary Shelley wrote the “The Last Man” depicting a future world devastated by plague.
I’ve always thought the future would look more talking apes or killer robots than empty streets and encroaching goats (more on this), but I’ve been wrong before.
During social distancing, the world has undergone a few changes. Due to a large portion of the world’s population staying home, there’s been a drop in seismic noise, according to Nature magazine. Yes, because we’re no longer driving or going to Iron Maiden concerts, there are fewer vibrations in the planet’s crust.
The planet’s crust. Human activity affecting 25-mile-thick layers of rock and dirt is like microbes piloting a blue whale. We make an impact on our planet, people.
So do goats.
A herd of 122 Kashmiri mountain goats has wandered onto the empty streets of the Welsh town Llandudno (which is not pronounced like it looks) and begun eating the town’s flowers.
“There isn't anyone else around, so they probably decided they may as well take over,” Town Councilor Carol Marubbi told the BBC.
Darn straight, Carol. Those goats are not only staging a hostile takeover of your town, they’re not practicing social distancing.
Gasoline prices have also dropped in a fashion that would be dangerous if they were human. I can fill up my car for… Well, I can fill up my car.
But, what of the future?
Since we’ve all been told to stay home and remain at least six feet away from each other since March, what might happen when we’re no longer forced by a killer virus to sit on our couch and watch Netflix? Will our lives go back to normal? Or will they be changed forever?
Here are seven Post-COVID-19 Predictions from the Amazing Jason:
1. Americans will continue to lie. Although a February poll showed 38 percent of beer drinkers said they would no longer buy Corona beer because they thought it had some connection to the coronavirus, sales in the U.S. have increased 5 percent.
2. Although people finally understand they can make good-tasting coffee cheaply at home, Starbucks stock skyrockets because these same people are too lazy to brew their own.
3. Staggering from their homes in a post-800 rolls of toilet paper haze, shoppers will panic-buy items nobody in their right minds would need, like pet sweaters and Axe Body Spray.
4. We’ll stop washing our hands. Not a comment on the American independent spirit, we’re just gross.
5. We’ll all keep using the meeting app Zoom. Is there anything nicer than conducting business without wearing pants? I thought not.
6. After a brief population increase due to being homebound with our significant other, there will be a long population decrease when we all realize being around other people is too much work.
7. After watching social media videos taken by celebrities in their luxurious homes, we’ll grow to hate every celebrity alive except Jack Black. He’s awesome.
What have I learned from all this?
People are stupid. Goats shall inherit the Earth.
Jason Offutt’s upcoming novel, “So You Had to Build a Time Machine,” is available for preorder at jasonoffutt.com.