If there’s one thing being an adult has taught me, it’s that people generally have no idea what they’re doing. They’re also apparently OK with that. Most Americans – a whopping 90 percent, according a Gallup poll – expect someone else to make their decisions for them.
I guess that works, until they discover “someone” has horrible taste in movies, or can’t tell which shade of puce goes with those drapes, or worse, always picks the wrong restaurant.
Then there are the less serious decisions like, “a forehead tattoo before the wedding is a solid idea. She’ll love it,” and “you should take that undercover job as a gang snitch in St. Louis. I know the city has the highest murder rate in the country for the past two years, but what an opportunity.”
In my never-tiring effort to make the world a better place through not minding my own business, I will be the guide to take you through the most important decisions I will ever make for someone else:
• Join a cult. They usually have a good retirement plan.
• Dating is a waste of time and money. Propose marriage to random people, ideally on public transportation, and especially if they’re wearing clothes. That means they possibly have a job.
• Invest everything in Marconi Wireless Telegraph Company of America. I hear it’s making a comeback.
• Potatoes are vegetables. Tell your nutritionist.
• If you’re ever attacked by a bear, attempt the crane kick from “The Karate Kid.” If it can help Daniel beat Johnny Lawrence, it can help you defeat a grizzly to win the All Valley Karate Tournament.
• Save bread sacks. I don’t know why, it’s just something my mother did. What she used them for I have no idea.
• Kudzu? Yep. It’ll make a fine ornamental addition to your yard.
• Watching workout videos on YouTube from the safety of your couch counts as exercise. Double points if you’re hydrating. Beer is 95 percent H20, so that counts as water.
• Yes, that time share in Poopwater, Florida, sounds like a great idea.
• Should you pick up a hitchhiker? What does he look like? He has something red splattered all over his shirt? Probably a cherry slushy. He’s got good taste. Go for it.
• Numb extremities and stabbing chest pains are common symptoms of loving too much. You have nothing to worry about except excess happiness.
• If the Nigerian prince contacted you, he obviously had your email address. Totally legit.
• The positive battery post is just a negative post with a better attitude. Hook the jumper cables up wherever. The auto parts store wouldn’t sell you something dangerous, would it?
• That noise sounded like someone kicked open the front door. You go first. Don’t worry, I’ll be right behind you.
See? Isn’t life a lot easier when someone else makes all the decisions? Sure, you could always try to figure things out for yourself, but hurry up. That restaurant ain’t gonna choose itself.
Jason Offutt’s upcoming novel, “So You Had to Build a Time Machine,” is available for preorder at jasonoffutt.com.