With the faintest glow-worm’s bottom’s worth of light starting to shine at the end of this seemingly interminable stay-at-home tunnel, I realize that for a lot of us, going back to work is going to take some reconditioning to rid us of newly formed habits while we have been on hiatus.
I am blessed to work for a firm with only 10 employees, each of us spaced at least 6 feet apart, so you would think that would fall into the easy-peasy category.
But, nay, nay, I say.
To that end, and being the firm’s office manager/HR coordinator/chief cook and bottle washer, I thought I would share with you my ideas for the bosses for this long-awaited reintroduction to normality. Being the extremely good eggs they are, I’m sure they’ll approve my recommendations without question.
1. The office will remove the receptacle previously bulging with sinful treats such as mini-Snickers; dark chocolate with almonds, and Butterfingers, and a new bowl will be provided, filled with healthful carrot and celery sticks – individually wrapped, of course – to help combat the weight gain that has possibly taken place as a cure for boredom over the past several weeks.
2. As access to the staff’s regular haircuts has no doubt been disrupted, hair nets will be provided upon application – remember one each only, as we’d hate to run short. Likewise, for those whose hands now resemble crocodile skin due to excess washing, a manicurist will be made available to the staff. She will be positioned on the other side of the door directly in front of the mail slot, so please feel free to push your hand through the opening to receive attention.
3. To ease the staff back to working full-time in the office, pajamas, robes and slippers may be worn for the first week. Thereafter, a gradual return to ‘business casual’ will be expected.
4. Responsible hugging may discreetly take place, but is not encouraged. Air-cheek-kissing at the formerly approved 6-foot distance will be allowed.
5. A personal trainer will hold an hour-long session each day to encourage joint movement and muscle tone to counteract the slothful habits no doubt adopted by each of us over the past month.
6. An on-site chiropractor will be in attendance for the first week to iron out any back, neck and knee kinks the staff may have developed while attempting to transition from their couches to their regular office chairs.
7. In recognition of the return to normal working hours, cots complete with down comforters and fluffy pillows will be provided for those requiring noon-time naps. For hygiene purposes, please bring your own eye shades. Background white-noise will be provided upon request.
I don’t know about you, dear reader, but I reckon I’m onto a winner here. If you would like this list amended to take into account your own company’s likely foibles, please feel free to let me know and for a small fee I will happily adapt it to suit your needs.
Annie Dear lives in Lee’s Summit. Email her at email@example.com.