Annie Dear: The name game is back again
To flog the odd cliché, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em – so I’m leaping on the bandwagon to connect with the would-be powers-that-wannabe in the renaming of everything we hold near and dear to our beating hearts.
Poor old beloved Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben have evidently bitten the dust, but what of poor old Birds Eye? I’m quite surprised PETA hasn’t stepped on that one by now – after all it’s a tad threatening and possibly offensive to ornithologists the world over. I’m surprised this hyper-sensitive organization hasn’t threatened legal action against the makers of Animal Crackers, and the users of the Tony the Tiger mascot.
Big & Bold Hot Pockets surely must go, as must Devour White Cheddar Mac & Cheese; Little Debbie Honey Buns, and Hostess Ho Hos – I can feel the heat emanating from blushing maiden aunts across the country who no doubt will be in need of fanning and a quick blast of ammonia up their left nostrils to bring them to. Keeblers’ Fudge Stripes frankly has everyone in a tizzy.
While I think of it, Little Debbie must surely be retitled Height Challenged Deborah, and Hostess – well that shrieks of the Me Too movement rushing in to decry its name, insisting that there be a name and/or sex change as it must be degrading to women. And as for Ho Hos – well, this is inflammatory to all street walkers everywhere, and we surely must threaten dear old Santa for his incendiary catch phrase we hear each Christmas – er – Yuletide.
Ding Dongs and Nutty Buddies just have to go, as they must have the psychiatrists at mental facilities climbing the walls.
Cookie Thins Thinsters has to get up the noses of those not blessed with sylph-like figures, and as for Annie’s line of baked goods – well my hackles are surely rising as you can imagine.
Even in my beloved homeland, evil lurks at the grocery store. I’m surprised Kraft hasn’t been the subject of righteous protesters threatening to burn down their factories producing Coon Cheese. The fact that it was named after its American creator, Edward William Coon, will be neither here nor there – we’re not going to be ones to defend history, now are we?
One of Australia’s favorite beers could be in for a bashing by the Spaniards – XXXX Bitter Ale is a no-no in Spain as it gets mixed up with a brand of condoms in that fair country – with apologies to the aforementioned swooning aunts above. This could lead to all sorts of Planned Parenthood/Alcoholics Anonymous headaches, now couldn’t it?
Oh let’s be done with it and call everything Gray. No, hold on. As a senior member of the community that might smack of ageism.
I know – Beige. Everything must now be Beige. Might prove to be a bit of a problem on the NFL/MLB/NHL scoreboards, but really who will care? It’s not offending a soul, now is it?
Or is it? Sure offends the hell out of me, and I’m an Aussie, not easily offended at all.
Annie Dear lives in Lee’s Summit. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.