Well, I guess there’s a sort of job-title inflation over the years. But, you know, we realized we had so many xvips – one for synergistic services, one for dreamagination, one for this, one for that – that we needed something bold to proclaim the visionary path-choicing role of our chief motivator/innovator/revenue escalator.

Thanks for coming in. We really appreciate the opportunity to talk with you about this position.

Well, thank you for having me come in, but I must say I’m still a little unclear about the name of the job.

What? CEO of Everything?

Yeah, I don’t think I get that.

Well, I guess there’s a sort of job-title inflation over the years. But, you know, we realized we had so many xvips – one for synergistic services, one for dreamagination, one for this, one for that – that we needed something bold to proclaim the visionary path-choicing role of our chief motivator/innovator/revenue escalator.

You really lost me there. Did you say xvip?

Yeah. Executive vice president, you know, as in executive vice president for footprint rightsizing.

What?

The guy who opens stores in three new states a year. Or closes them, as the case may be.

Oh. And the CEO of ... I’m sorry. This is still a little confusing. I thought the CEO was just that, the chief executive officer, of which a company of any size typically has one – and only one – the person who calls the shots day by day and keeps the board of directors dazed and confused, I mean, who impactfully interacts with the board on the broad parameters of strategic initiatives that enhance shareholder value.

True, but that is so yesterday. Good grief, even mayors and university presidents now call themselves CEOs, and it’s a little unclear if they use that term just as a metaphor or if they’ve said it so often that it’s become not just trite but, in their own heads, actually true. Which is odd, since university presidents tend to be liberal arts types, and they’re the ones who are supposed to be good at metaphor vs. literalism and all that stuff.

I think I’m starting get this. By the way, the metaphor vs. literalism battle was over long ago. It’s a brutish, literal age that we live in, my friend, devoid of subtlety, nuance and humor.

That’s what I was trying to tell the xvip of strategic ...

Stop. Look, I’ll take the job because I think I’ve achieved a level of clarity appropos the repurposing and optimization of vapid verbiage and calling it cutting-edge thinking. So let’s recast the job as CEO of All that Matters.

Ooh, I like that. But how will we define “what matters?”

Just leave that to me. Sign here, and I’ll get back to you. Promise.