Good morning lovelies. I hope you enjoyed Christmas Day and that your hearts are full of love and inspiration for the coming New Year.



As you will no doubt be sitting yourselves down for a good stern talking to as you fervently make plans for your resolutions, I want you girls to be especially mindful of one specific determination you are now unfortunately going to have to make.

Good morning lovelies. I hope you enjoyed Christmas Day and that your hearts are full of love and inspiration for the coming New Year.

As you will no doubt be sitting yourselves down for a good stern talking to as you fervently make plans for your resolutions, I want you girls to be especially mindful of one specific determination you are now unfortunately going to have to make.

After a decision recently handed down by an Iowa judge, and thence by the Iowa Supreme Court – whom I would imagine might have inadvertently ingested some wacky weed – it now seems that making yourself attractive at work will have dire consequences in your very ability to be employed at all.

It appears, despite more than 10 years of good, professional, faithful service, our married fine upstanding dental assistant was let go – which as you know is a politically correct term for being fired – because she was just too attractive for her boss to endure any further. Evidently he and his wife determined she was a threat to their marriage, so she just had to go. This was not, apparently, sex discrimination – I’m not sure what else you would call it – but that was the final decision.

So – girls – here’s what you need to do.

Weight loss? Scratch that off your list immediately. You can no longer be svelte, trim, taut and terrific – you have to pack on some pounds so that you can’t possibly attract attention.

Give up smoking? No, not now – you must eschew the perfume and be prepared to waft Eau d’Ashtray at your place of employment.

Get regular dental checkups? Sorry ladies – but I have to be cruel to be kind. Nothing’s more of a turn off than yellow teeth, preferably with last night’s parsley and pork chop peeking out from your gnashers if you want to keep your job.

Attend makeover classes? ‘Fraid not. Beauty salons across the country, as a tragic by-product, will be going out of business so fast you won’t be able to blink a Brazilian before the doors are heard slamming shut across the nation.

You must cut your own hair under the pudding bowl method, you must forgo makeup for the rest of your working days, and you must under no circumstances shave anything.

Buy a new wardrobe for the new you? Not so much. You may only buy clothing in colors naturally associated with, well, putting it bluntly, dirt, and the garments must be accompanied by no shaping whatsoever. I predict sacks will be making a dramatic comeback on all the runways this year, as will the sensible lace up shoes you will be forced to wear.

There now – see that wasn’t so bad, was it? I mean, you can almost just roll out of bed, ignore the shower or the brush, and off to work you will go, secure in the knowledge that whilst looking like a bag, your job is – in the bag.



Annie Dear lives in Lee’s Summit. Email her at anniedearkc @hotmail.com.